May You Have a Drama Free Wedding 5-14-09

Although I had a chance to watch Y&R this afternoon, I thought about it later, and I couldn't remember anything. So, I watched again along with all of our other shows and here's what I've got for you:

Y&R: Cane and Lily had an engagement party, or as I like to call it, a foreshadowing fiesta. Lily spit out some crap about how she knows Cane would never lie to her like Daniel did. Cut to Cane looking guilty as sin. Cane then went to the church to pray that everything works out telling God: "You know where I come from." Well sh*t! I'm glad someone does. I will give you one guess what they gave out as parting gifts at the party....You guessed it! Hair extensions and weave. Lily suddenly had long, beautiful flowing locks. So did Olivia, and Tyra, and Colleen...After Cane was finished groveling to God, he went back to the party and had what I can only describe as an awkward intertwining arm wine glass wrestling session with Lily, which I can only assume was meant to be cute. I was pondering something as I watched today's eppy: Are Colleen and Lily having a secret contest to see who can wear the shortest skirt? I'm just asking. Cane sauntered over to Katherine and pulled her to the side for a private convo. He then asked her to take back the inheritance that they had given him. Katherine denied this request, telling Cane to go "brighten up your dingy little bar". Um. In order to do that, he would have to kill Mac and bury her somewhere far, far away so she can never return. Cane then decided to give all the money to charity. That's the only way. Neil cornered Cane and welcomed him to the fold. Cane was feeling overwhelmed and went outside for some Winters-free air when Lily came out wondering what he was doing. He then pulled her into a long, lingering, passionate kiss that made me remember why I find him so damn attractive in the first place. Cane went over to Billy's and asked him to come to the wedding and to bury the hatchet and start over. Billy made a face and left us hanging with no f-ing answer. Jill, Gloria, and Jeffery were still in the Caymans freaking out about their insufficient funds when Jill decided to call Jack for help. Smelling yet another chance to take down Mr. Mumbles, Jack agrees to help even after Jill tells him he has to help Glo and Jeff as well. Three key points about these three: 1. Jill looks great with bangs and a little blonde. 2. Jeffery looked shockingly sexy in that blue polo shirt he's been sporting. 3. Gloria and her shirt are much too loud to be on my screen.

Summary: Jill, gooooooood. Jeffery, goooooood. Gloria, baaaaaaaaaaad.

Jill made me laugh out loud when she told Jeffery and Gloria that she would "get the hell off this island even if I have to swim home!" Adam was lurking around the ranch talking to and playing with himself as usual when Nicholas showed up with package in hand declaring it was on the porch with Adam's name on it. After some snappy remarks about what was actually in the damn box, Adam fed Nick some bull about the contents of the box being braille crap for his braille computer. He used a guilt trip on Nick and told him to get the hell out. Nick threw the box on the counter and left. Adam opened the box and inside was what I assumed to be either spy gear or surround sound. Whatever the hell it is, I'm sure its sole purpose is to scare the sh*t out of Ashley. I saw a preview in which the baby recorder was playing and Victor was looking at his blackberry in horror. Billy spent today's eppy doing the same thing he did on yesterday's eppy: Got drunk at Jimmy's while staring lustfully at Monotone Mac's flat white girl ass. Jack was off somewhere with Sharon when Chloe called him in a panic, requesting that he drag Billy's drunk horny ass home to her and Delia. Jack did go to the bar and try to talk to Billy about committment and love, yada yada yada. Jack eluded to the fact that Sharon is with child and that he was happy to have a second chance and Billy responded by saying this: "You're just a strange man, Jack." Jack got frustrated and left and Monotone Mac asked him if he "had enough?" to which Billy responded "Nope. Not yet." Sharon had a series of flashbacks of her and Billy getting drunk and talking about relationships. Mary Jane has gone loco! It is official. She tricked Phyllis away from Nick today and then tricked both Sharon and Nick into accidentally on purpose running into eachother. I guess that bitch can do magic too, because Sharon just happened to get a giant case of morning sickness in Nick's presence. Looks like Phyllis is starting to suspect Mary Jane's sanity. Here's hoping that she uses some of that crazy to her advantage while she has the chance. The Winters clan were all gathered at the engagement party having a splendid time when TKO Karen showed up, divorce papers in hand. At the same time, Ana somehow got lost in Olivia's giant "poof" of weave and panic rang out throughout the club...OK. That last part didn't happen. Anyway. Karen came strolling in at the same time that Tyra, America's Next Top Homewrecker, and Neil started dancing. Neil scrambled to spit some b.s. at Karen who told him to "just sign the damn papers". Before I could yell "punch that bastard again!" at the television, she was gone.

SPOILERS: Cane is a fraud. Tyra is a fraud and has been hiding it from Devon, Neil and Ana. Paul's suspicions of Mary Jane will become stronger so he will start to investigate her. Sharon and Billy's affair will finally be exposed. Jack will still want to raise the baby. I see an Abbott v. Abbott bro-war over the "baby mama" comin our way. Victor will hire a shrink for Ashley, proving he has no faith in her at all. Phyllis will tell Nick that she wants Sharon out of there lives for good. Nick will then make a bee line for Sharon, pull her into a passionate kiss and tell her he is divorcing Phyllis for real this time. The Chancellors and Abbotts and will cohost a BBQ and Raul will crash it and surprise everyone, especially Billy, by kissing Monotone Mac. It will come out that Raul and Mac were engaged post-Billy. Billy, of course, will be pissed. Chloe will see this and move back in with Esther, taking Delia with her.

AMC: David, reeling over the news about Marissa and Ian's surgery, went to Adam's to confront him. Adam told David he owed for everything he had done for David. David attempted to connect with little Adam who rejected his love. J.R. told David to leave and just leave the boy alone. Marissa forgave Krystal but stated that she was still pissed. Ryan and Fabio argued. Kendall cried. Stuart was on today and he had a nice father-son convo with Scott. I predict that someone will mistake Stuart for Adam and shoot him instead. J.R. later pulled out a gun and showed Scott, telling him that he would take care of Adam himself. Ian flatlined and David said he most likely wouldn't make it through the night. Kendall cried.

SPOILERS: Kendall will be a suspect in the Adam/Stuart shooting. Ryan will take her out of town and Fabio will cover their asses. Kendall will question Erica's role in the shooting, if any, and her guilt, if any. Liza has a secret and Fabio knows what it is. She will confide in Jake. Kendall will turn to Fabio for comfort. Translation: Hot Kendall and Fabio sex coming our way! Fabio will then run into Annie as she tries to get to Emma.

OLTL: Hope's body was exhumed today as Cole and Starr were at the prom reminiscing about the good 'ol times. Marcy, the desperate needy tart that she is, showed up at the grave site as if her presence was going to change anything or be of any forensic value to the Medical Examiner. I just want to say that I am sh*tty that Kristen Alderson and Brandon Buddy were RUDELY overlooked for the Daytime Emmys. Langston and Marrko were both feeling the nerves of virginity breaking, but they quickly became sidetracked when it became painfully obvious that a loud and boisterous Lola was high on drugs. The couple offered to drop Lola off at home before going off to the dirty debut. Lola declined the offer telling them to go have a good time on their special night, followed by "Don't get knocked up, okay?" Marrko and Langston went off to do it, said some cheesy crap, looked at eachother longingly and then that was it. Guess we have to wait til tomorrow to see the rest. Lola somehow managed to make it back to Dorians and after flying into Dorian's bedroom finding Ray and Dorian doing the hispanic horizontal their damn selves. Lola yelled out: "Are you two having sex? What's up with all the sex? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!" Um. Need something, Lola? John made a long awaited appearance today in a straight jacket. Even without arm capabilities, the man was able to head butt two cronies. But afterward, he seemed to realize that he still has no access to his arms. Over at the frat house, Todd was tied to the bed posts spread eagle while the ladies remained tied to chairs and gagged. Todd, even facing death, could not shut his pie hole and continued to enrage Powell more.

SPOILERS: Marty will get her complete memory back and finally reunite with Cole the way should have in the damn first place. Chloe will come up missing. I assume Lasso Boy (Kyle) will kidnap her. Jessica will become suspicious of Natalie and Jared. Kyle will turn the tables and get the upper hand over Stacy. Viki will realize something is going on with Jess/Bess.

I have not been able to watch GH but I do have some spoilers for you:

As we all know, Michael will wake up on tomorrow's eppy. Jason will pressure everyone to keep the deets of his shooting from Michael. Michael will be pissed at Carly and move in with Sonny prompting Carly to move in with Sonny as well. As Michael remains bitter towards Carly, Carly will become bitter towards Jax. Johnny and Olivia will start their torrid affair. OK. I'm willing to watch that. Claudia will find out and confront Olivia. Jason will get closer to Sam. Tracy makes a confession to Lulu and then learns Holly's true motives.