Emotional Ransom 5-2-09

Thanks to some really cool twitter chicks, I have been privy to some serious spoilers. Most of these have been eluded to, but not revealed. Here's your confirmations and a couple of surprises. Bear with me as I consult with my brain:

AMC: Adam will be killed off due to offset reasons. J.R. is going to become top a-hole and he will be chip off the old block. Old-Nu Babe is coming back for a few eppys either in ghost form or some other freaky way. Either way, it will add to the reveal of what we all new was coming: Marissa is Babe's twin sister. Thus making her scenes with David just wrong on so many levels. The heart valve storyline will continue as it will be discovered that the damn thing has a high chance of failure. Adam will find out and keep it to himself. The PTB want us to believe that Adam is the one that killed Dixie, but my theory is that it is Stuart. But alas! That is for another day...Amanda and Jake are going to have awkward pregnancy sex which should be amusing. Crishell Stause fans beware: Her contract expires soon and she is bouncing. Rumor has it that this was Frons' idea. No surprise. She is one of the only people left on this show that I can tolerate longer that five minutes. Ian's condition is set to get worse and the new heart valve will be involved in his "life saving surgery". No hints as to whether the damn valve even works. Aidan is going to break into Ryan's place to do Annie's evil bidding. I wish someone would just off her and get it over with. The character was strong and independent when she came to Pine Valley and the result, for me, is a character that has no worthwhile qualities that make me ever want to watch her again. I am getting off track. Opal will catch Aidan in the act. Due to Adam being an #1 a-hole, as usual, Zach will threaten to kill him. This leads me to one conclusion: When Adam gets offed, Zach will be the main suspect. Which actually means very little in soap land, as we all know.

OLTL: Matthew will walk again. Destiny and Matthew will both be bumming out because they are dateless for the prom. This is an obvious set up for them to go together. I don't care, however, because I will be concentrating on the Long Island Lola as she pulls some Carrie-esque sh*t out of her evil little hat. No word on how she will do it, or what the outcome will be. After the prom, Lola will go to Dorian and Ray and confess all. A little birdy told me that Dorian and Viki will be phased out of the show and will soon settle into more "supportive" scenes. In laymans terms that means back burner. I hear that a new leading man isn't working for the PTB. My guess? Brody. Mark Lawson's acting skills are questionable. Yes, he is delicious to look at from afar. However, when they zoom into his face, I seriously have to turn away. I thought it was just the lighting or something. But then, I saw some pictures of him in Soap Opera Digest that confirmed my hes-so-ugly suspicions. Starr and Cole will discover the truth about the baby and then fork over the poor thing to that wretch Marcy and she and Michael will "take the baby and get out while they stil have a chance". Cole will consider using after the withdrawal gets worse and his Bizarro Matthew tries to convince him that it would be best if Cole just jumped off the bridge. Normally I would laugh at such a storyline spoiler, but somehow I know that Brandon Buddy will make it worth my time. Rex and Gigi will both fantasize about what it would be like to get married. Afterward, they will share a kiss but Rex will push her away. Then, in true a-hole form, he will run to Stacy's room and start kissing her in order to prove to himself that he could still get chicks, or something. I don't know but he has got to be one of the biggest idiots of all times. Stacy is going to tell Shane that Gigi slept with Brody and that she is an evil slut. This is just one of the reasons why people hate this bitch. I like her because of her unredeemable qualities. I would rather watch her sit and do nothing in an empty room for an hour than watch Marty, well, doing anything. Stacy's pimp from Vegas comes to hunt her down for some bad debt she bounced out on. I like to watch her scared so this should be interesting. John will go to see Powell at the nuthouse to question him and he will discover that Powell has escaped and that the chick that has been pretending to be Bitch-Ass-Marty will be dead in his cell. John will bend over to look at the body and Rebecca (who the hell is that?) will lock him in the cell. Um. Okay. Blair is going to sneak out of the hospital, not be released, as I previously reported. Then she will become entwined with John and Marty's crappy story along with Todd. I hope this does not allow for a decrease in the number of hot ass sex scenes that we get to see of Tea and Todd per week. Clint will propose to Nora as he becomes more suspicious that Bo is trying to steal him away. I have never invested in the character of Clint because when I look at Jerry Ver Dorn, all I see is Ross from GL. i hope Nora says no and succumbs to Bo. Christian will paint Layla. I hope it involves nudity and sex to be brutally honest. Otherwise, these two will make me seriously consider taking a nap for the duration of the show. Obviously, Powell and Rebecca are the dynamic duo and both are found to be the serial killer. Then, even more obviously, Powell will go try to kill Marty. Oh. If only....Who knows who the hell will save the bitch this time. Maybe she will kill Powell in self defense. Any rumors that you may be hearing about an Evangeline recast are this: crap. I never bought him with Evangeline and I am just getting to like the idea of Christian and Layla having sex ALL the time. Clint and Bo will get in a fight.

GH: Maxie's plan will be thwarted, just like all of her other plans, when Johnny rescues her instead of Spinelli. This will cause a light bulb to go off in Spinelli's head after which he will seriously question the voracity of his relationship with Maxie and have serious doubts about reconciling. GH is gearing up for a Lulu and Spinelli pair. I know this because my soap senses are tingling. Spixie fans everywhere will hate me for saying this but I think Spinelli should give Lulu a go. In addition, I am officially putting Maxie and Johnny on hot sex alert. Maxie will seduce Spinelli. Like all men, he cannot resist her charms but he is going to start to realize that this is how she operates and she is never going to change. Nu-old Emily and Lucky will break up after they realize that they loved the ones they weren't with. Lucky and Liz will declare their love and get back together and Nikolas and Nu-old Emily will give their coupling a chance. "The Mayor's Wife" finally has a name: Andrea

Y&R: Cassie will appear to Sharon and tell her that her baby is a little girl. Rumor has it that she will also tell Sharon who the baby's daddy is. I read that this was going to "totally turn things in a different direction". My prediction? I think Billy is going to be the father. However, this will not be the highpoint of the storyline. Chloe will become even more of a stalker than she already is and start doing crazy sh*t to the citizens of Genoa City. Sharon will accept Jack's offer to raise the baby regardless of the bio-factor. Karen will make an appearance this week. Here's hoping that she punches Neil in the face again. John will come as his usual ghostly self to Billy and prove that Jack isn't as crazy as we thought.

Side Note: Elizabeth Hendrickson and a couple of other people we love made a new mini soap entitled Eden Elizabeth Ensenade. It's pretty funny. You can check it out at http://vimeo.com/3924208.

Honorable Mentions: On B&B, Steffy will make good with Marcus. I keep hearing that Steffy and Rick are NOT over and that as a result, Marcus is going to go psycho. I have recurring dream in which Marcus goes postal and shoots Rick in the face. After Rick falls to the floor, Marcus shoots him one more time for good measure. Then I wake up.

I wish GL would have gotten "so much better" before it got cancelled. I was a life time fan until they cut down on EVERYTHING.

I want to give a shout out to Being Erica for being the little show that could.

I want to give a dumb bitch award to the girl that posted this on Twitter: "I hate daytime soaps. Why are they called soaps anyway? They don't have anything to with soaps." Oh, dumb bitch, I tend to disagree. I replied and told her to google that sh*t.

AND...

Finally: The biggest "sex is my cure for anything" award goes to both Ryan Lavery (AMC) and Nicholas Newman (Y&R). Both of them are sex crazed tools and should be considered hard and dangerous.

OMG this blog took forever to do. Until Monday or whenever...some bitch time...some bitch channel...