Lions and Tigers and Hair Extensions. Oh My! 4-30-09

I would like to start this entry off by saying that I hold Y&R to higher standard than other shows. That said, Mac's hair extensions looked even more ridiculous than Tyra's clip on weave. I am glad that Amber and Mac are friends. Maybe Mac can learn a few things from Amber, who looked amazing in today's eppy. It's really cool that she designed Katherine's wedding dress. Michael called Amber at the pre-wedding festivities so she could come down and make a statement against Rat Face Roger and Bad Dye Job Annie, who just happen to be in custody. Heather, who from now on shall be called Madam Bitch ADA, asked Michael if he had a conflict of interest in representing them. Um, yeah. I would say so. Madam Bitch ADA knows a few things about conflicts of interest, am I right? Michael got Bad Dye Job to admit a few deets and he kindly informed them that they were being charged with a slew of crimes. I laughed my ass off when Bad Dye Job looked over at Rat Face and said "You hear that, Romeo?" While at the police station, Micheal and Paul desperately needed answers from Amber, who told them that she knew where the gun was because she was the one who hid it. Lot's of Cane and Lily at the bar scenes today. I was completely disinterested at first, but Mac came in and I was hoping that Lily would turn on her bitch detector and mark her territory (Cane). My disinterest quickly turned to horror as Lily basically welcomed Monotone Mac with open arms. She got the job at Jimmy's needless to say. Billy continued his scheming and manipulation in an attempt to connect with Mac; even going so far as to go the Chancellor mansion and tell him that he would be flying Katherine's wedding solo due to Chloe's illness. The only thing that I could see that was ill on Chloe was that sweatshirt moo moo she was wearing today. Chloe is starting to irritate me because of her nagging ways. However, she did ask Billy if he was going to continue to stalk his ex-girlfriend. Chloe then called over to the mansion where Esther got on the phone and gave her a play by play of Billy's activities, credit card purchases, social security number.....all while Mac was sitting there listening. Chloe was suddenly cured and announced that she would be going to the wedding. Billy snuck a celly call into Mac with the bad news, with Dr. Evil, or um I mean, Chloe eavesdropping all the way.

B&B was all about the senior citizens and their witty comments. Bizarro Ken Doll (Ridge) and Mega Slut Barbie (Brooke) were arguing over the Botox Bandit (Taylor) and Bizarro said this: "What, did you think I was going to slip into her room for a quickie?" I knew he still had the power to make me nauseated, but that was just wrong. The Botox Bandit renewed her will to fight for Bizarro and had a series of flashbacks that had high levels of 'ick' factor. Stephanie told no one in particular that she was demanding respect. Stephanie went to visit Pam at Forrester. Pam was fretting over Bizarro and Mega Slut not being married. Stephanie told Pam that she was a "hero".

On OLTL, John and Marty the Shrew went to a mental hospital posing as Kevin Buchanan and Jessica Buchanan Whatever the Hell Her Name Is to see Powell. I believe this is the part where they get caught. My girl J was kind enough to point out that OLTL used the same nut house set that AMC uses. Hey, Re-Use and Recycle as I always say. No. Actually, I have never said that. Todd was being a mega ass and Starr was desperately trying to get him to let her stay at Dorian's for one more night because Cole was in her room. Todd told her if she didn't get her ass moving, he was going to call the cops. Tea tried to act like somebody's mama today. But she did tell Todd to shut up, which was great in its own right. Todd told Tea that she just couldn't resist his studly ways. Right. That's it.

Maxie was begging Jason to help her win back Spinelli today on GH. Spinelli was having a pity party of his own at the PI firm with Lulu as his audience. She actually encouraged him to forgive Maxie, which just fuels the theory that I discussed in an earlier entry. Maxie told Jason that she wanted to the "master" to Spinelli's "grasshopper". That is real cute. Winifred managed to get screentime today; prompting me to get a migraine. Nikolas and Liz had a little argument with Lucky and afterwards, decided to go get slammin drunk at the local pub. They drank, they talked. They drank some more. They practically did it right there on the table. This little exchange was witnessed by Lucky and nu-old-Emily who have been doing a lot of kissing their damn selves. So. My question is why the hell do they care?

Pine Valley has me all confused because I could have sworn that yesterday Ryan told Kendall he couldn't play second fiddle to Zach and that he would "see her around." I turn it on tonight, and they are laying in bed, enjoying the afterglow, and talking about going public with their relationship. WTF happened? The astounding question was answered when Erica questioned Kendall about her whereabouts that morning and she responded that she had been with Ryan. Erica didn't hide her disgust as she continue to pry. Kendall went off on Erica and in doing so, went off on Reese too. The answer: Ryan went to see Cambias Sr. and it "rattled" him, so he needed comforting. Erica then posed a great question: Doesn't Zach need comforting more? Erica then ran over to Zach's to comfort him her damn self, with cleavage flashing a big sign that says "Squeeze Me". Amanda and Jake both love the baby. J.R. is freaking out about the stupid heart valve. Tad was begging Jesse to help him discover who really killed Dixie. (I think it was Stuart! Mark my words!) Jesse said he wasn't down to deal with all that and Tad busted out with some water works. Impressive. Randi got "the call" that all army wives fear. Question to Amanda: Who the hell drinks milk in a night club?

Peace out soapers. Until maybe tomorrow evening....some bitch time...some bitch channel....

Burning Cole 4-30-09

Genoa City was hopping with the "good feeling" as Lauren dropped the charges against Sharon and Sharon dropped the charges against Phyllis. Nick orchestrated this giant love fest by referring to everyone as "the family". I literally wanted to scream at the t.v. Where the hell does he get off? He should have thought about that a long time ago. Lauren showed she can still be bit by the bitch bug (thank god) when she told Sharon that if she did anything to piss her off, she would "file those charges as fast as your head can spin." Now, my mom used to say that to me, so I had a flashback and suddenly felt uncomfortable. I got over it. Neil went and groveled to Katherine who gave him a job. He was so excited he ran straight to Tyra. Tyra, by the way, had on one of the worst weaves I have ever seen. She should just keep it short and give it up. The annoying Newman housekeeper, or Hagatha as I like to call her, moved the coffee table and Adam walked right over there and tripped over it. He hit the floor. Hard. I laughed. Victor told Ashley to go get ready for dinner. She went upstairs and put on Sabrina's old dress and earrings and went back downstairs. Victor was so shocked he dropped the champagne glasses and told her to get the hell out of the dress. He then proceeded to question Hagatha, who sent him on a mission to blame Nikki. Nikki wasn't having any of that and she said some stuff I had to applaud. I like Nikki sans Victor. She has more balls now. Ashley questioned Hagatha and Adam about the situation and Adam was all too informed of the minute details. Ashley blamed it on Hagatha but later wondered if she was doing it to herself. This situation is pissing me off! I can't figure it out. Mary Jane makes me ill; however, I feel it may all be worth it when she goes psycho. She is scarier than the original Mari Jo, and I really didn't think that was possible. She said this: "The champagne tastes better in my room." To which Jack replied "Alrighty then". Jack: the 90's called. They want their tacky bad-movie punchline back. He followed her upstairs where she attacked him and they had sex. Afterward, she informed Jack that she wasn't married. I sense this is the beginning of some really good crazy.

On B&B, Bill Spencer Sr.'s will was read with Donna, Stephanie, and Clark in attendance. I have the feeling that Donna is his daughter or something. Anyway, he Spencer Sr. left Donna a box with a note that said the contents of the box remind him of what Donna brought to his life. The bitch opened the box, and inside was a beautiful jeweled egg. When she opened the egg, it was empty. Classic. Clark was next and when he opened his box, he pulled out a gold metal. Stephanie quickly snatched it from him, peeled off a layer of foil, and announced that the metal was chocolate. When Clark read his note it said, and I quote, "fake just like your designs." Priceless. Carolyn and old-brad-nu-Bill Jr. have to split everything else 50/50. I sense that the show is going to become excellent again. Here's hoping...

Llanview was experiencing technical difficulties on yesterday's eppy. Tea wouldn't answer her phone, prompting Dorian to rush over to her place. Unbeknownst to Dorian, Todd was finishing up with Tea when she arrived. She thought it was R.J. in there. Ew! Todd was feeling Tea up the whole time that Dorian was telling her to "grind him" through the doorway. The court battle was a bust and Todd won custody of the kids after Tea had a mini-meltdown during the hearing. Todd went to pick up the kids, Dorian threatened him and he told her he was shaking in his boots. I laughed when he looked down and asked lil Jack-the-Asshole if he was shaking as well. Starr came in right then on a whole other mission, and Todd told her to pack her stuff. What can she say? Um, I can't leave right now. You know that guy that had sex with me and knocked me up? Yeah, he's up in my room hiding from rehab and coming down off drugs. Can I take a rain check? Thank God for flashbacks and storytelling because I have become a true Cole fan after all this great drug story. I loved him punching him the door repeatedly; however, he could have let his fist slip a couple of inches to the left and "accidentally" punched Starr in the face. Then, he could have all the pills he wanted. I'm just saying.

GH is getting damn good and my girl J and I have a new theory. Maxie and Lulu are going to be the mod version of Otalia. Their super couple name will be Laxie. As in I would rather eat laxatives and sit on the toilet in pain than watch these two get along. I am loving Olivia. I can't really come up with a reason, but hey, whatever. Lulu looked cute for a change. Lucky needs a hair cut. Liz needs to NOT make out with Nikolas. Lucky DOES need to increase his make out sessions with old-nu-Emily. Claudia is real irritating. Someone needs to blow her ass up and get it over with. Don't care about mini-Luke. There is something ill-built about his facial structure or his hair do. Something.

I'm done. Until whenever...some bitch time...some bitch channel...

We Need an Intervention. Stat! 4-28-09

Imagine my shock today when I turned on GH after a brief hiatus to see Jason all battered and bruised. My girl J informed me that Jason and Jerry Jacks were wounded from a bomb. I would have been more surprised if he had actually gotten beat up. Patrick is doing the single father thing while Robin goes thru the motions of post partum. Glad Matt is helping and all, but this has gone on long enough! My heart cracked into pieces when Spinelli told Maxie that she couldn't expect things to be the way they used to be. I almost busted a tear or two. Olivia is growing on me. Anyone or anything that hates Claudia can grow on me anyday. Nikolas and Liz cannot be a couple. Something is very wrong with that. Having said that I think that Lucky and nu-old-Emily are cute together. This Emily is much more tolerable than the first one, even if the same bitch is playing the part. Enter Patrick into the fray and what do you get? Idiot stew! Jason's facial expressions are so awesome, Steve Burton doesn't even need lines. Everytime Claudia speaks, walks, or breaths, Jason looks like he wants to puke or curl up in a fetal position... Carly told Jax the truth about her condition, which was refreshing. I get tired of predictable miscarriage storylines. Enter Sonny, who instantly made the whole debacle (yeah, I said it) the "Corinthos" hour. Robin's intervention went off with nothing but hitches. Poor Maxie took verbal bitch slaps from Robin repeatedly, who was like a cornered asp, striking out at anyone that came too close. Robin finally got so pissed she just told Maxie to get the hell out. Maxie, obviously wounded, went on the hunt for Spinelli. I noticed his eyes melting when she explained her woes...

I knew Y&R was going to be good today when within the first two minutes, Jeffrey made an O.J. reference. (if it don't fit, bitch, acquit!) Right after that Jill walked in and after some snappy commentary with Jeffrey, Gloria walked up and said this: "How does it feel to be living on welfare, Jill?" After this little exchange, the trio proceeded to get drunk together. Jeffrey eluded to Gloria that he wouldn't stay with her if she didn't beat the civil law suit from the face bream mess; then he proceeded to slip Jill his seven digits. Cut upstairs to Sharon's room and it's the same old scene. Someone's knocking. Sharon has cleavage. Opens door. AND. Nothing. It was Nick coming to tell her that he picked Phyllis over her. Again. Someone in her current state wouldn't be held responsible for a homicide, if one were to occur say, right then and there! Sharon did not kill Nick, though. However, she did throw his ass out of her room. He left to give Phyllis the good news. Phyllis was overjoyed and instantly starting doing Nick right there, until the po po's came in and arrested her. Victor put Victoria in charge of the Newman Board, which just pissed off about everyone there. Neil even quit over it. Colleen tried to make an impression at the meeting, only to come out defeated as usual. Afterwards, she approached Victoria and started going off. Victoria tried to be supportive, but Colleen was adamant. J.T., of course, was leaning up against the wall eavesdropping. Noah got picked on today. Normally, I love Kevin Schmidt. To be honest, if I would have seen him in person with the hair do he had today, I would have made fun of him too! Ashley is a bitch. Abby is a bitch. Greatest line said by Abby to date: "Is that Sabrina? Ew, that's creepy."

Today's eppy of B&B started off with a nice phone call between Stephanie and Taylor. Yes. The same phone call in which Stephanie basically told Taylor to have sex Ridge in order to steal him away from Brooke. Jackie was on for a hot second and she looked a hot mess. I believe I referred to her as a 'bizarro biker barbie'. Stephanie then picked up the phone and called Carolyn to talk about Bill Sr.'s demise. Here is my issue: We have always known about Bill Sr. but I don't want to spend 16 minutes of a 30 minute show listening to my faves talk about him. This wasted conversation is necessary, I realize, in order to bring in old-Brad/nu-Bill Jr. so I will tolerate it if I have too! Rick went over to beg Steffy some more where he ran into (who else?) Stephanie. She gave him the business, which is nothing new. This verbal ass whipping was followed by another verbal smackdown from Steffy. He ran to his mommy, Brooke, who was more than happy to hug her 40 yr. old loser son close to her sagging bosom. Bizarro Ken Doll, or Ridge as some may like to call him, called Brooke and told her he wasn't coming home until Rick moved out. He went on to inform her that he would be shackin it up with Taylor. Just end it please! Stephanie got a wild hair up her ass and decided to go to Eric and tell him that she doesn't love him anymore. His reaction: "You can't possible mean that!" Oh, and why not, asshole?

Llanview kicked up the spiciness on today's eppy of OLTL. Cole was coming down off his latest high and Starr was there to witness it first hand. This crap has been going on for a while now so why did Starr say these words: "Cole, you are a drug addict!" No shit Sherlock. Big props go out to Brandon Buddy and Kristen Alderson who brought it in their scenes today. Tea and Todd both had dates today. I found it amusing that they were getting ready in the same bathroom at the same time. Question: Why the hell was Todd applying make up like this is a normal occurrence? Todd and Tea both ditched their dates for one another. I'm down! Brody and Jessica finally did the nasty today. Sorry Mark fans but men in the real world just don't say this: "I want to make love with you" With me? No thanks. If I have to do any work, you can count me out. Gigi almost told Rex the truth today. She didn't of course and she and Rex commenced to telling Shane that they were over. Shane cried so hard his little bald cap was wrinkling up. Ray and Dorian also went on a date. While out, they ran into Viki and Charlie, who apparently has some serious issues with my Latino hero. Damn A. Martinez for getting fired! Markko and Langston almost had sex or did have sex today. They were making my eyes burn from the rediculousness of it all when Markko said this: "I love you Langston. You're my little freak." To which Langston responded "And you're mine." WTF?! This is not normal talk people. Stick a fork in my ass, I am so done.

Until I feel like signing back into this bitch....some bitch time...some bitch channel....

Booty for the Blind 4-27-09

My tired old body let me stay up long enough to watch the AMC marathon on SoapNet. I was not disappointed. Watching Kendall get coldly rejected by Zach was bad enough. Watching her get double from Ryan was even worse. Kendall noticed lipstick on Zach's shirt and asked him what it was. His response: "Lipstick from the woman I just had sex with." Classic. Kendall being needy and whiny is annoying. Maybe she should be the one running off with Reese. I truly believe that Marissa is Krystal's daughter. Either way, I am not buying it and I don't care. That is about as much of the show that kept my interest. Oh. I am digging the new Liza. There, I said it.

Y&R was basically one big squirrel fest today. Kevin fought with the chipmunk through the whole episode and then magically came out of his catatonic state. OKAY! All of these weeks of watching him drool and rob banks and talk to the chipmunk and he suddenly is well in one eppy? Damn you PTB! Reality is good every now and again! Heather could no longer resist Adam's grouchy charms today and they had sex in Victor's house. While he was there. Um, Ew! Anyway though, she said she was never going to leave him again. I decided that I would never have respect for her again. Apparently, neither will Victor, because he told Adam she was not allowed at the Ranch for the 12th time. Adam told Victor that Heather had to come there due to his house arrest and that that was just the way it was. Victor wasn't having any of that. Ashley is soooo annoying and her circa 1992 storyline is irritating me. Did anyone else notice her Nikki/Stepford Wife makeover?

Thats all I got. Until whenever...some bitch time...some bitch channel..

I Was Wrong 4-26-09

OK. After reflecting upon my "Kyle is the killer" theory, I have decided that I was wrong. Rarely do I admit this. I do, however, have a new theory. Actually, it is a two part theory. Part One: Spencer Truman is Rex's dad. The credit for this half of the theory goes to my girl J. I admit I rejected this theory at first; but now I am fully convinced. This brings me to Part Two: Spencer is the serial killer. Ha Ha! You may be thinking...but heres the facts: We know he is not in a coma anymore, obviously, or he couldn't have choked the life out of Roxy for a hot minute. Who knows what he does when the lights go out? We also know that Roxy is going to pull the plug on him this week and that he is going to be declared dead. So, my theory is, his body will disappear and he will be lurking the streets of Llanview. I hear that Marty, Cole, or Starr will be the next victim. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Please let it be Marty....

That's all I got. Until next time I feel an urge...some bitch time...some bitch channel

Billy's World and the Rick Train 4-24-09

O.K. It has been a hot second since I have blogged and therefore, I have much to say. On Y&R this week, Phyllis tried her damnedest to get Sharon tossed in jail. It didn't work. The only thing she accomplished was pushing Nick away. He cracked me up with his Restless Style related marriage metaphors, i.e. "Why hold on to something that isn't there?" Hmmm, I take that as a hint. Phyllis and Nick are already fighting over Restless Style so Nikki and Chloe were arguing over the next issue's topic. Weddings and babies? Um, how about they do an issue devoted to divorce? Seems logical to me. Billy went to Jimmy's to drown his sorrows in shots of tequila, and Cane came in. Billy told him to get out of "his world" and his bar. Little did he know that Cane actually bought the bar right then and there. I'm not sure how he avoided paperwork or other details pertinent to buying a bar, but hey, I shouldn't be picky. Later that day, Mac walked in and asked for a job. I see where this is going. Mac is not cute or sexy enough to be with Cane or Billy. End of story. Cane and Lily bought a puppy and they both rejoiced when he took a big one on the carpet sans newspaper. That is not what I consider to be soapworthy television. Lily wants to have a baby. Blah. Sharon knows that Jack is digging Psycho Mary-Jane.

On todays eppy, Lily tried to hook Colleen up with Rafe. He sat down and hopped right on out of the closet. Rafe then informed her that he was going to a friend's birthday party. This had me intrigued...Cut to the Newman Ranch and everyone is dressed up and my God, Adam smiled. More than once. I smiled too, when Heather showed up at the birthday bash (looking amazing!) and Victor asked her what the hell she was doing there. Ashley, ever the peace maker, talked Victor into letting Heather stay. Moments later, Rafe showed up and announced that he had brought a friend. This intrigued me as well...The friend? Colleen. O.K. When the party was over, Heather was about to leave when Victor stopped her long enough to tell her that no matter what, she was not welcome there. She said she would not give up on Adam and left. Victoria walked in on J.T. and Colleen in a hug and was obviously jealous. When she started bitching, J.T. told her he wished people "would just give Colleen a break." Please let this mean that J.T. and Colleen are re-uniting. Even better, tell me that old-Colleen is reprising her role and nu-Colleen is going to Nickelodeon where she belongs. The Chipmunk made an appearance today, causing Kevin to go nuts and become catatonic. Again.

Shout out to Tom who let me know that the Chipmunk voice is being done by a woman. It was driving me insane not knowing. And it's a short drive.

Mac and Amber are going to team up to make Katherines wedding awesome. Maybe Amber will breathe some life into Mac. Someone needs too. Something tells me she secretly likes chics. Billy is going to have trouble deciding if he should take Chloe to the wedding. I say yes, or he will pay, and pay dearly. Jill, Gloria, and Jeffrey are set to get slammin drunk together. I am already laughing on the abysmal inside. Nina and Brock are coming to the wedding. Cops are going to review the surveillance videos from the GCAC and utlimately arrest Phyllis for destroying Sharon's room. Noah is getting picked on at school. Phyllis is going to feel bad. Are the PTB trying to convince us that the red-headed she devil has a concious? I predict that Ashley will have yet another miscarriage that will cause her to revert to her other self. Kevin will defeat the evil Chipmunk in his subconcious and come out of his funk. Jack and Mary Jane have sex, even though Jack will start to suspect the crazy bitch. Hey, Jack needs some strange every now and again too! Finally, Adam will stab himself in the eye with a syringe full of Botox. Why? Who really gives a damn? It should be mad funny!

On B&B, Steffy finally hopped off the Rick train into the land of the sane. Brooke on the other hand, is still floating around in denial world. Such is the norm. As much as I love Heather Tom, why does Katie have to be so annoying? and, Why is Jackie (Lesley Anne Down, actually) so damn lucky? Brooke and Taylor waged war against one another today. Ridge is the ultimate prize, I assume. Woop Dee Doo. Rumor has it that Brooke is finally going to put the hammer down on Rick. All I can say is: Thanks for that in advance. Rick and Steffy are not totally over, which may prompt Marcus (who?) to go postal. Whatever works. Nick is having a problem getting over Bridget now that she has no interest in him, of course. Katie should lure him onto the Shady Marlin, take him sailing to abandoned waters, and give him a helpful shove over the edge. Just a thought. Finally, I hear Stephanie is planning a coo to take over Forrester. Again. How many times does this storyline have to appear, only to fail? Sigh. Oh! I almost forgot. Don Diamont is about to be on my screen front burner again. Can I get a hell yeah?

OLTL is so good these days thanks to Todd and Tea, whose scenes should have a mature rating. Wow. Who has hot rage sex in a courtroom? These two do! Enter R.J. Ugh. I thought we were rid of him. My girl J and I ponder if maybe he doesn't have a family of small fuzzy creatures living in those dreads. John was sexy when he snuck into Blair's room to let her know he was okay. Too bad he is going to screw it all up when he screws Marty the Maneater when they are the lam. Starr busted Cole today because he was high as a kite. He plays a stoner well, actually. I have a prediction based on some things I observed in today's eppy. I think Kyle may be the knife wielding serial killer. Maybe. Schyler stuck his hand in a biohazard container to get what he believes to be Stacy's blood bag. Um, gross. Today, he busted it out and displayed it to Stacy who tried to lie her way out of it, but to no avail. Rex bought the bitch some flowers from Shane, and Gigi had to act like a whinyass about it. Rex was mean to her of course. Roxy is hilarious as she tried to convince Rex that her and Kyle were sleeping together, and played it off like it was a big joke. Starr couldn't help but mention Schyler every time she opened her mouth, pissing Cole off to no end. Bo and Nora are going closer. I like them together, so this is okay with me. Still hate Rachel. Kyle is going to blackmail, well, everyone, including Natalie and Jared. Jessica and Brody are finally going to have sex. Will angels sing? I doubt it. Tea is going to go out on a date with R.J. I say swim at your own risk! Todd will be jealous. Roxy is going to pull the plug on Rex's dad and Kyle will confirm that he is dead. We all know he won't be. Ray is leaving, which makes me sad. However, I am elated that he is taking that skank whore Lola with him. Gigi is supposed to grow some balls soon. I have a feeling we'll be waiting for a long time. Cristian and Layla are finally going to get together. It has taken so long, I forgot about them already. The killer will be revealed....stay tuned.

AMC is still semi-good and semi-bad. Quite frankly, I am just too busy to be tuning in all the time. But, heres what I know: Adam is going to die. I predict that Stuart will really be the dead guy, and Adam will be alive and well when AMC can afford him again. We will be blessed with yet another killer story. Yawn. Amanda wants to keep the baby now. Nope. Didn't see that coming. David wants revenge. Yada, Yada, Yada.....The Chandler mansion is haunted, I predict Adam is trying to drive J.R. to drink. I hear that a nu-nu-Babe will be brought back from the dead. One word: Why? Krystal and Marissa are keeping a secret. I say they are mother and daughter...who's with me? Marissa is going to get involved with both Scott and J.R. Um, what is so hard about that decision? Frankie is going to get hurt in Iraq. Brot is going to get a new lady friend. Tad will look for Dixie's killer. Little late. It was the pancakes.

Watching Claudia squirm on GH is delightful. Watching Lulu go off on Maxie ALL the time. Priceless. Half of Port Charles is pregnant. The other half is someone pretending to be someone that they aren't. A new murder myster is on the horizon...What else happens on this show? Nickolas and nu-old-Emily will get closer, while he tongue tangoes with Liz on the side. WTF? The real Rebecca is going to call. J, you are officially correct. Ethan is going to take a DNA test. This is one of those times when I wish that a show would do something opposite of what we think they are going to do. Alas, that is most likely not the case. I think Jax is going to offer to buy Claudia's baby after he overhears Jason and Carly talking about her condition. Olivia is going to threaten Claudia. I like her. Maxie will try to have sex with Spinelli in an attempt to get back in his good graces. She will fail miserably. I have an earth shattering question that requires immediate attention! Do the PTB really expect me to believe that in the last two weeks Sam has developed a brain in that pretty little head of hers? Doesn't she have a burlesque show to go do?

Seriously, I am going to shut up now.

Until whenever..some bitch time...some bitch channel...

Random Thoughts of Eppys Past 4-22-09

Lately, some shows such as AMC and ATWT have become unwatchable, although I am hoping that will change in the case of AMC with the addition of Jamie Lunar. I had a chance to view her in action and I was delighted when she told Zach to shut up and do her, right there on the card table. Everytime I turn this show on, Annie is on my screen which causes me to shudder. I was privy to watching Ryan pull a gun on Annie and Aidan as they tried to make their grand escape. Later that day, my girl J was blessing me with old clips of Richie when she sent me a clip of Ryan holding a gun on Annie and Richie in the same exact room. Today, I caught the ass end and was horrified and excited all at the same time to see Ryan reject Kendall's sexual advances. No one could have said this better than Kendall: "You've never had a problem sleeping with me before." After that little tid bit, Ryan thought it would be a good idea to tell Kendall that she was acting nuts. She left in a rage. Sounds to me like Ryan might have a little Erica on the brain.

B&B is back in full swing these days with Ridge and Taylor hooking up to convince Steffy that Rick is an ass. Ridge taped Rick talking smack about Steffy and Ridge. Later, after Rick learned of the recording, he rushed Steffy onto a private jet in order to avoid the confrontation that was sure to come. O.K. This is where it got good. At the airport, Rick and Steffy were on the plane as it started to take off. Ridge and Taylor pulled up on the tarmac and Ridge got out of the car and started chasing the damn plane down the runway. I had to ask my girl later what he really thought that was going to accomplish. Amazingly, Ridge did stop the plane and Taylor ushered Steffy away to listen to the recording. Steffy remained loyal to Rick on the outside, but on the inside, she was shitty. She called Rick to confront him, but he took it as a good sign and rubbed in Ridge's face. The best thing he said was this: "Steffy is ridin the Rick train, and she ain't never gettin off." which he then followed with "Choo Choo Chugga Chugga Chugga" with matching arm motions. Very funny. Owen did Jackie. Jackie did Owen. It was hot. I want more. Bridget is clueless because she doesn't think that Jackie has it left in her. Think again, dumb ass!

On Y&R, Phyllis is digging herself a big fat hole to bury herself in. She's going to need it too! Rumor has it that Sharon is preggers. I see another Billy is the daddy story with a totally different outcome in our future, folks. Heather loves Adam. Adam pretends to hate Heather. Adam needs to deal with the fact that he will never be with a woman as hot as Heather again, so he needs to get in where he fits in. Lauren's holier than thou act is irking me. Over the years, I have seen her do some scandalous things to many people yet she judges Sharon. Tsk Tsk. Oh where, oh where, has J.T. gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? Seriously, where the hell is he? I liked the chipmunk voice for one eppy, but this everyday stuff is getting old. Mental Note: when chipmunk voice is on my screen, take that opportunity to rearrange your underwear drawer. This goes for any scene involving Cane and Lily or Lily and Cane as well. Karen pleased me with her exit. She was able to punch Neil in the face for all the lies and broken promises he made her. Oh, and there's that sex he had with Tyra. Finally, she had enough when he handed custody of Ana to Tyra on a silver platter. Karen was having a psychotic break and Devon's dumb ass decided it would be a good idea to bring Tyra and Ana home to Neil and Karen's house. Karen left soon after while Tyra sat on her couch. Bitch. Speaking of Tyra, Eva Marcille, this message is for you: You are absolutely the worst soap cryer it has ever been my horror to watch.

On OLTL, Todd and Tea are having sex wherever they can. After doing it the other day like animals, (I had to shield my son's eyes!) Tea got up and told Todd she wasn't down to help him get him get his kids back. I couldn't believe it when Todd said this: "What do you mean? I just took you downtown!" Priceless. Thanks for that Trevor St. John. Today, they were getting it on in the courtroom and Tea slapped Todd across the face. It was great. Speaking of slaps, I can't wait for Gigi to grow a pair and knock Stacy the hell out. No one can be as stupid as apparently everyone is in Llanview. Talia got shanked in the back. John got arrested. Cole faked a drug test. Lola is skank. Dorian called Lola a skanky hoe. Dorian and Ray discussed their feelings for each other today. I can't be invested in their story because I know A. Martinez is leaving. I hate Rachel. I am really rooting for Cole and Starr to get back together and find out the truth about their baby. I don't know why. Rex looked GOOD in his long sleeve tee. Antonio came back to mourn Talia and I was amused when he picked her dead ass up and started hugging her close. It's Wednsday and she was stabbed on Friday. Enough said. After snuggling with the dead, he slipped John a key to get out of his cell and to escape the jail. Funny, that jail key looked an awful lot like a regular house key to me. I hate Marty and her twisted bizarro mouth and I wish that someone would just stab her and get it over with. Speaking of getting it over with...Christian and Layla need to just succumb to their passions and give us all what we've been waiting for. Am I wrong?

GH is scandalous. As usual.

Until whenever...some bitch time....some bitch channel...

Inspired by Madness 4-17-09

I haven't blogged in a while, but I am finding it necessary today because my girl J is at work and cannot be disturbed.

Y&R has been oh so good this week. Phyllis gave Nick the boot, but he was ready to go. Noah and Eden did some couch canoodling only to get busted by Nick and Phyllis. Eden busted out with this: "Oh, we were just waiting for you to come home" Sure, naked and wrapped in a blanket. That is exactly how I used to wait for my parents! Monotone Mac remains on the forefront. Why? I don't know. Clementine Ford sucks. There I said it. She looks old, and she just can't act. Having said that, with her around, Chloe continues to become more psychotic and jealous daily. It is amusing. Karen told Lily about Neil and Tyra, who happen to be sneaking around her back in other ways as well. Tyra got custody on todays eppy and that is how it should have been in the first place. If I was Tyra, I would have thrown down with Karen, ghettofabulous style. Karen made an ass out of herself during the hearing and caused a mad scene. She is going to bounce out of town next week. I am just okay with that. Sharon got arrested and bailed out by Jack. But, Phyllis plans on talking Lauren into filing charges against Sharon for stealing the books that Eden got busted for. Nicholas is going to talk Lauren into not filing charges which is only going to piss Phyllis off more. She is going to try to get Victor to press charges against Sharon for stealing Sabrina's mini statue, but of course, this too shall fail and Phyllis herself will be the one chillin' at the big house. Cane has steadily been trying to get custody of Delia and Billy and Chloe were both been tripping about it. Cane is going to change his mind though, and Lily is going to say yes to him. Does this mean that sexy and sweet Cane is coming back to us? There is a God! Katherine is going to fire Cane from Jabot. She will offer him another position but he will turn it down. What to do? Get a job at Indigo as the (dare I say it) bartender? Katherine and Murphy are going to get married this week. I hear that Ashley may be responsible for her own spooking. I told you that bitch was crazy! Heather is still in love with Adam and she is going to tell him so. I suppose he will bite her head off with his witty snapisms as usual.

Todd saved John's life on OLTL after Zach had a handle on him. He is never going to live it down. Schyler flipped out on Stacy for rejecting him. It was great. Gigi still hasn't stopped crying. I wish I had tivo. I would fast forward through her scenes everyday. Todd and Tea had some really hot up against the wall sex; after which Tea told Todd that she wouldn't do a damn thing to help him. Good for her. Cole got a surprise drug test and the Cool Rehab Center but fortunately, he got Markko the Idiot to pee in a cup for him. Speaking of Markko, Lola is a little bitch and I wish Langston would just whip her ass. Johns fingerprints were found on the butcher knife, so he will be arrested for attempted murder. After Antonio comes back to mourn for what ever the hell her name is, he is going to let John out and John is going to go on the run. Wonder if he will take a certain dumb bitch with him? David and Dorian are going to realize that they are not in love with one another anymore. It's about time someone did. I can see an end to the Starr/Jessica baby storyline on the horizon. Starr and Cole are this close to getting back together and figuring out the truth. I hope it happens soon, because I cannot take anymore of Natalie and Jared's corny and cheesy scooby doo lines. I am just waiting for Jessica to say "and I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you damn kids...."

On B&B, Stephanie is working for Jackie. Owen is stripping for Jackie. Donna is an idiot, as usual. Rick is actually using Steffy to get back at Ridge. Taylor and Ridge figured this out this week and decided to tape Rick dogging on Ridge. Brooke and Taylor are at war over the "kids" and Ridge was just standing there looking idiotic as usual. I see yet another Brooke and Ridge divorce in our future. I read that when Rick and Steffy leave to get married, Ridge is going to chase the plane on the runway. ON FOOT! Remind me not to take a nap on that day.

On GH, the shit hit the fan for everyone. The End.

Until the next time I feel like blogging...some bitch time, some bitch channel...

No Ordinary Saturday Morning Cartoon 4-11-09

I didn't blog yesterday because even I get burnt out after a week of avid soap watching. On yesterdays eppy of Y&R, Victoria was suffering from some kind of guilt and tried to make buddies with Adam and Ashley. What she managed to do, however, is unwittingly play right into Adam's plan to freak Ashley out. Jack called Sharon to tell her that Eden and Noah were up that cabin alone. She called Nick, and of course, the two went up there together alone. Phyllis, ever the succubus, asked if she go but Nick declined. When they arrived at the cabin, the kids were nowhere in sight. Cut to the back seat of Noah's car AGAIN: Noah and Eden are about to get it on when Eden decides she's not ready. Ah, she is playing hard to get, no? Note to Y&R: please put Nick in that shirt everyday. Thank you. Katherine visited Amber in jail and it was sweet and nice and everything. Amber's hair looked amazing. I wonder about that. But she still had to endure the orange jumpsuit, which I wish on no one. Over on the men's side, Kevin, also clad in orange, was having another panicky discussion with Micheal who was trying to assure him that all will be well. Then he ran into Super Bitch Heather, who said that Kevin was a "dangerous criminal". I hope he electrocutes her ass too. I noticed something about Mary Jane today. She never does a scene in which she is not drinking. I predict that Ashley is going to catch on to Victor's scheme now that she has come face to face with Mary Jane.

Imagine my surprise when I was treated to most of Monday's eppy of Y&R early this morning. Nick and Sharon had the hottest sex of all times. Better than all his romps with Phyllis combined. Before they did the deed, Sharon told Nick that when she sleeps with other men, she imagines that it's him. Wow. Deep. Phyllis went over to Sharon's room at the club and dressed up like a maid to get in. It's pretty messed up when the person at the front desk doesn't know who is or isn't a real employee. Once inside, Phyllis went on a rampage destroying Sharon's bras and panties. Hilarious. Then she found all of things that Sharon has stolen recently stashed all over the room, she picked up the phone and in a horrible southern accent called the police and narced Sharon out. When Sharon got back from doing Nick, she was greeted by the police who are going to take her to jail for grand theft. Tyra is going to get custody of Ana, which makes sense because they fired Nia Peebles and Karen won't be around anymore. That really is too bad. I was just getting to like her. Kevin is going to get beat up in jail after he starts having visions about the chipmunk. I can't wait. Phyllis is going to ask Nikki for help. Right. Good luck with that. She hates you more than she hates Sharon! Speaking of Sharon, Micheal is going to "fire" her as a client when he discovers that she stole the books that Eden got arrested for.

I haven't really been paying attention to AMC this week because I am patiently waiting for the Annie and Aidan storyline to go away. However, my girl J just sent me a clip of Erica getting sprayed with oil while she screamed and danced like an indian at a bonfire. Wonder if this is before or after she hits on Ryan? She will have some competition because Kendall and Zach will be getting a divorce and Kendall will decide to be with Ryan. Zach is going to have feel sorry for me sex with nu-Liza. Good for him. Way to show Kendall she isn't the only one who can get some strange! Aidan and Annie are going to try to leave. I hope it works. I am not digging Scott Chandler, but they may change if he teams up with David which is how it is looking.

On B&B Donna is getting stupider, Stephanie is getting smarter, and Bridget is getting hotter. Bridget will have her first fashion show, but then she will be exposed as Madame X. That's good. This storyline is ridiculous. What are the label going to say? Dr. Bridget Forrester Maroni Designs? Stephanie will also be revealed as the new partner of Jackie M. and Eric will look like a fool. He was doing a pretty good job of that all by himself. James is coming back for a while. I wonder who he will bed? Brooke or Taylor? Maybe Stephanie...Stephanie and Clarke are going to talk about the good times with Sally. It's about time.

OLTL has been excellent this week with "Twinkle's" kidnapping and Todd teaming up with McPain to make the dysfunctional duo. Stacy is about to be busted. Even Schyler is going to see past Starr's underoos to call Stacy out on her scheming. Rex's dad is going to start showing signs of life, although I am not sure why since they haven't even casted the guy who will play him. Rachel is back and I hate her already. She said this the other day: "You know what they say in recovery. One step at a time." Hey bitch, the actual words are "one day at a time". I am just saying. After Zach is stopped, McPain believes that the killer is still on the loose. Who will get shanked next?

GH is almost intolerable with the constant presence of Claudia. Having said this, I had to feel bad for the girl when she walked in on Sonny bonding with Olivia with his hand placed firmly on her ass. I thought I could see the steam coming out of her ears when she said "Let me know when you have time for your wife!" Then I had to laugh when Olivia took a long swig of her drink and said "Ooooh, you're in trouble!" Jerry is back this week, which might make the show worth staying awake for. Nicholas is going to find Helena and nu-old-Emily together. Obviously, the two crazies are in cahoots to take him down. Ric and Kate have both been put on recurring status, so Rics creepy antics will substantially decrease. Bummer. Oh, and Kate who?

With the arrival of the annoying twins, ATWT is unwatchable. I did learn that the boy twin will try to get with Noah. OK. When that doesn't work, Noah gets stabbed. One teen on this show is thinking at least. Liberty wants a divorce. Paul sets Dusty up to beat him up so that social services will take the baby away from Dusty and Meg. Meg is unforgiving of Dusty and I have the feeling that a Meg and Paul reunion is in our future. Does that leave Dusty ripe for Lucy's picking? What a surprise. WOAK wants to do a documentary on Vienna's pregnancy and Henry and Vienna decide they want to keep the baby for themselves. Snore.

That's all I've got. Until Monday...same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Monotone Mac & Crazy Creepies 4-9-09

Y&R started out with Cane talking to his lawyer, pushing the custody issue. Lily overheard and questioned his motives. He told her to go over to Billy and Chloe's and see how bad they were at parenting. Meanwhile, Billy was chewing off his own foot in an attempt to go see Mac and Chloe was on to him like white on rice. She decided to cook for dinner for their one year anniversary. When Billy questioned her, she said this "they said we wouldn't last". Priceless. Lily showed up and started harping, so Billy took it as the perfect opportunity to slide over to the Chancellor's for some Mac mingling. He was greeted by Brock, who was quite cold to our boy. Billy left his digits for Mac. Mac is moping around when she suddenly has a heart to heart with Murphy. Sorry kids, I am not buying it! I finally figured out what is wrong with Clementine Ford. She has no spark and no fire! Gasoline and a match couldn't get this girl to act the part of the character she was hired to play. My girl J says she is too old, I must agree! She even says her lines in the same monotone voice. I would like it if she just disappeared. Billy told Chloe that he was going to get some formula. Of course, when he returned, he had no formula. Chloe is already the annoying, clinging, ball and chain I thought she would be. Thanks to the wardrobe department for Billy's jacket which continues to get hotter the more he breaks it in. Karen and Devon got into it today. Karen was ready to scratch Neil's eyes out and I don't blame her. Cut to Indigo, where Neil and Cane were enjoying some whine time together. Assholes stick together.
Looks like I am going to have to bust out the tequila tomorrow because Phyllis is going to call Sharon a slut again. Takes one to know one, am I wrong?

On B&B, Donna was especially annoying as she decided to change Eric's petname from "honeybear" to "boo boo bear". A couple of tables over, Stephanie and Taylor were enjoying a nice lunch when Donna came over and tried to throw around some insults. Stephanie shot her down with Taylor as back up. The old Stephanie is back and I am loving it. I especially enjoyed Taylor's comment about Eric and Donna's PDA making everyone want to throw up. Jackie got some good business news today and used it as an excuse to cozy up to Owen. Whatever! I can dig it.

OLTL is really creepy right now. Zach is creepy for a short guy. I don't understand why people don't just team up and take his little ass out? Schyler gave Todd the business causing the duo to get down to the nitty gritty of whole damn situation. Over at Todd's, Starr confessed to Zach like he is some kind of priest or something. McPain is annoying. Marty is even more annoying. Dorian sent her kiss and tell photo to David. Oops! Lola is a slut, and everyone knows it. I cannot wait until she is gone!

That's all I got. Until tomorrow....same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Out With the Old, In With the Young 4-8-09

Yesterday I whined about the lack of Kevin and Micheal screentime on Y&R. Someone was listening because I was not dissapointed today! Kevin had Jeffery at gunpoint and Micheal came in and talked him down. However, he also took a sick pleasure in letting Kevin continue to believe that Jeffery was Tom. Christian LeBlanc was priceless when he punched Jeffery and urged Kevin to do the same. This whole scene was amusing to me until Kevin and Amber were in custody and standing up against the fence. Amber and Micheal were trying to talk to Kevin, who was in a sudden state of catatonia. I almost busted a tear. I have uno complaint.....If Y&R is going to use the same wearhouse set for every hostage/kidnapping/cage keeping storyline they have, can I at least get them to change the door? The economy is not that bad people. The most ridiculous part of the show today? Gloria "borrowing" the Newman jet to save Kevin and Jeffery. Um, ok. Mary Jane is becoming harder and harder to look at for longer than 2 seconds. I cannot believe that she was able to talk Katherine into hiring Jack as the CEO of Jabot. Hey, I shall not complain. The longer the war goes on between Jack and the Moustache, the better. Neil is not my favorite person right now. Karen is a whiny, annoying bitch. But he knew that when he married her. Since when does Neil get the player of the year award? After today's eppy, some previews came on showing Billy and Chloe arguing over Mac. And so it begins....

On B&B, it seems that with Stephanie being fired from Forrester, she may have just fired those pant suits she has been wearing since 1986. Here's hopin! Heather Tom is finally starting to turn Katie into someone I can stand. She even changed her make-up. Maybe she got tired of playing the most boring character on daytime. (and that includes people who are in a coma) I am not sure why Jackie hates her so much. Oh yeah. It is in the script. Eric realized just how bad things were going to get for Forrester when Donna told the reporter: Out with the old, in with the young. Even Brooke looked at the ground in shame. She was probobly looking for someone to sleep with down there. I love Stephanie and Nick as partners in crime, and Taylor as the 3rd wheel makes it all worth it. I would watch ants fight over a crumb with more enthusiasm than I ever can watch Rick and Steffy.

OLTL was packed with scandal as usual. Rex and Gigi are getting on my nerves. No, let me say: Gigi just gets on my damn nerves. Stacy's fantasy was hilarious. Her attempts to get out of bone marrow related medical procedures was pretty amusing as well. Dorian and Ray are stubborn and cute and I like them together. Rex went off on Brody, who decided to go the gym and pump some iron. I wasn't buying it, but, I sure do like his guns. Over at Matthew's pity party, Nora was so excited about all the different kinds of weiners there were on the buffet table. At this same party, Jessica tells Natalie and Jared about Brody. They respond by saying they will be the baby's godparents. Random. The Dorian and Ray kiss lasted well into today's eppy, and little Jack thought it would be great to get a picture of them doing so. Sorry J, but I can't take that little bastard. I dig the little chick punching the big giant bodyguard in the stomach and saying : "I am doing this for Matthew." Ray tried to scare Jack into giving up the picture by telling stories about columbian prison. That little bastard gave up the camera really quick! Marty went to Blair's room with flowers in hand. My faith in Blair was renewed when she told Marty to stay the hell away from McPain. Starr is still crying over the teacher. Someone please give that girl a pacifier.

That's all I got. Until tomorrow...same bitch time....same bitch channel...

Bonding Over Bitches 4-7-09

In Genoa City today, Jack and Nicholas just happened to sit next to eachother at the bar at the club to get a drink. They both looked like someone died. Jack tried to bring back some of the old relationship, but Nick refused to openly take his advice. He pretended to be annoyed and got up left, but you could tell that Jack had gotten to him. Cut to the tack house where Sharon decided it is a good idea to go to look for Nick. Phyllis quickly informed her that Nick left her and that it was all Sharon's fault. Sharon made herself comfortable on the couch and continued to argue with the red headed she-devil. The old Phyllis is about to re-emerge and it is not going to be pretty. Noah came home from a backseat rendevouz with Eden and continued his rampage against Sharon. After a few, he decided to be nice and they had a little heart to heart about Sharon and Nick while Phyllis lurked in the shadows somewhere, as usual. When Nick entered the fray, Phyllis was still lurking and Nick and Sharon were hanging out on the couch chattin it up like nothing was amiss. Phyllis walked in and said something about people saying things that they don't mean, to which both Nick and Sharon looked up at her, and continued their conversation as if she had never spoken at all. I almost busted out the tequila because Phyllis called Sharon a tramp today. But I said drink only on slut or theif, neither of which she said today. Sharon got a good one in when Phyllis told her that Nick couldn't fix her. Sharon replied "Obviously he couldn't fix you either!" Thanks for that. And, thanks for the Chloe and Billy flashbacks. Chloe was so sweet today. To bad shit is going south and fast. Try as I might, I am having a hard time hating the new Mac. She turned Billy the playboy into a sniveling little whiney ass. I was digging the new side of him though. I am glad that Billy Miller can play it like the past Billies did it. I had to laugh at Chloe googling Mac and Billy. Um, where the hell is Kevin, Amber, Micheal, Lauren, Tyra, or Neil? Hello! Alas, they should be on tomorrow according to the previews. Billy is going to kiss Mac soon. That should be interesting. Mac is going to try to talk some sense into Kevin. Um, may I ask why? Noah and Eden are going to get busted again. These two need to come up with some better strategies. Phyllis is going to go psycho on Sharon, resulting in Sharon's eventual arrest. Too bad she still won't get Nicholas back. J.T. is going to dig up dirt on Colleen. Here's a thought....Shouldn't J.T. have plenty of dirt on Colleen already? They lived together! Tyra is going to fight for custody of Anna. Shouldn't she have done that in the first place?

On GH, I was forced to watch Sonny and Claudia have sex again. Sonny was so bummed out about it, but he pushed himself to finish the job. When he was done, he whined about not wanting more kids. I had to agree with Claudia. That is un-Sonny like. Note to GH: Please stop trying to shove Maxie and Dr. Old Shawn down our throats. It is done. Robin is going to crash her car with Emma inside and then get shipped off to the loony bin. This will leave Patrick open for more time with Elizabeth. That is actually a good thing considering nu-old Emily doesn't have cancer and her relationship with Lucky is going places. Helena will finally make an appearance. Claudia is going to get away with everything due to some DVD glitches. Damn that bitch has all the luck. Robin and Patrick are going to get in a huge fight at the hospital, which is finally finished by the way! This fight will prompt Robin to stop taking her meds. Yay for crazy Robin!

B&B was basically uneventful today. Owen was extra sexy as he pretended to have lock jaw so Bridget would get close to his mouth. Bridget, for a doctor you sure are stupid. Nick called Jackie out on her mid-life crisis, but in true Jackie style, she denied it all. Stephanie was pissed when she discovered that Nick was the one that suggested that Taylor join forces with Stephanie. I cannot wait to see how the drama unfolds when she takes the reigns at Jackie M. Rumor has it that Rick wants to marry Steffy at the same spot in Malibu where Brooke and Ridge were once married. This horrifies for Ridge and elates Brooke. That's because she is a skank.

ATWT sucks as of late. Jack thinks that Carly is drinking to much and she is in denial. Parker finally realized that he is in over his head and asked Jack for help. Thank God. I am over it. Jack is going to take Craig and Carly into questioning although I cant say why at this point. Rosanna is scheduled to come back. Snore. I am so happy that Meg dumped Dusty again. I hear that is not going to stop him from trying again to get her in the sack. The people that be decided to dust Barbara off and give her a storyline for the first time in 10 years. Thanks for that.

Ryan called Reese a bitch today on AMC. Adian and Annie are annoying. I can't wait until they go away. Krystal miscarried today and David was devasted. He should be. He did it. Adam, Stuart, and Erica are confusing right now. So, more on that at a later date. Can someone tell me why Kendall is still wearing that purple shirt and why Thorsten Kaye is trying so hard to bust a tear? Someone should poke him in the eye. It would water then for sure. Amanda almost kissed Jake and I realized just how hot those two could be. Yummy.

That's all I got. Until tomorrow...same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Rockin Roxy! 4-6-09

Ok, so normally I talk about Y&R first on Mondays because every other show is a snore fest. However, OLTL was so hot today, it deserves to be talked about. Quite frankly, I wasn't even paying attention because I was on the phone with my girl J when I looked at my screen just in time to see Roxy bitch slap Stacy. I just about dropped the phone I became so excited! The show only got better as those two crazies teamed up against Kyle, who is suddenly ready to risk his career and his future to help them. I could care less what he does, as long as he gets some more screen time. Maybe some Kyle and Stacy lab lovin? That would be nice. The new midget, um I mean man, on the show Zach is creepy. I enjoyed his scenes with Todd today as he went on and on about how Todd was going to pay him for this and Todd owes him for that. This went on for about 45 minutes when Todd casually said something about Zach not getting anything from him and he mentioned that they had both done their time for raping Marty. This un-Todd like behavior was surprising to me until Todd suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs "I OWE YOU NOTHING!!!" Now that's what I was looking for. There was more screaming going on over at Schylers apartment as he coldly dismissed Starr by screaming in her face that he didn't want her. Later though, he sits down and seems to have second thoughts. Ok, I thought I was going to like him. I was cracking up at Starr hiding in the bathroom and Cole running around looking for her like he was somebody's daddy. I am just saying. Jared deserves an honorable mention for extra hotness. I love a man in a gray vest. Marty needs to die or, at the least, go hide behind a rock somewhere. Cole broke my heart talking to the baby. Speaking of, that is one popular grave site.

On Y&R I thought it was amusing that no one heard the shrieking women of the cake fight until after the vows, kiss, and Mac entrance. How convenient. I didn't think it was possible, but I find this Mac to be uglier than the original one. I know she is supposed to be kind of plain and all, but I am already over her. Sharon and Nick continued their heart to heart and decided to be friends. It was a sweet moment. A sweet moment that was ruined when Nick left Sharon's room only to find Pyllis clad in a giant hat and sunglasses standing outside of her room. After she attacked him violently (again), Nick decided he has had enough. I say we play a game. Every time Phyllis calls Sharon a slut or a thief, we should take a shot of tequila. Being drunk is the only way I can tolerate watching Nick dog Phyllis for freaking out about Sharon. As much as I want to see Nick and Sharon back together, my heart is torn for Phyllis. Karma is biting her in the ass, hard. Back at the wedding, Katherine and Jill are still freaking arguing when Katherine said this: "This thing is not my daughter!" Jill said something bitchy in return, yada yada yada. Over yonder, Murphy was telling Nikki how he thought the fight that Katherine and Jill had yesterday was bad. Oh Murphy, the cake fight was just a smidget of what is in store for you and your soon to be bride! Afterward, Cane arrives and hugs Katherine as if he hasn't been a complete and utter asshole to her for months. I was hoping she would reach up there and smash a piece of that cake into his face. In the other room, Chloe was being extra nice to Mac because she is completely clueless about Mac and Billy's past dealings. Colleen didn't help matters when she coyly acted as if nothing was amiss while basically laughing in Chloe's face. Esther did fill her in however. I say let the stalker party begin! Chloe will go on a stalking spree like no other. That is my prediction. I am starting to hate Cane more and more. Chloe and Billy decided to go have their little wedding night and Cane said this: "Have a good wedding night, guys." Could someone just stab him and get it over with?

That is seriously all I got. Until next time...same bitch time.....same bitch channel!

Split Personalities all Around! 4-3-09

Here's one for you...one for you...I have to start with AMC today because craziness abounds. A while back, my girl J and I were discussing Annie's stay at the funny farm and her many visitors when J said that she thought Annie's wierd friend was a figment of her personality. So true J! After whining to her "friend" for the whole episode about killing someone (we know, she didn't do it) Annie was so excited when Aidan came in because she wanted to introduce him to her friend. She pointed to the chair and Aidan turned his head. Cut to the chair, it was empty! Just when I thought AMC was incapable of being creepy...Ryan's desperation to fill his Greenlea void is starting to make me ill. Erica went over there to talk some sense into him, but he failed to listen and said he would fight for Kendall. Thank you Erica for being the only person in the world that sees that everything is wrong with them being together right now! Meanwhile, at the hospital, Zach and Kendall were bonding over Ian when they decided to walk around for some damn reason. I had 2 issues with this scene: 1. They were holding hands. 2. They were both wearing purple. Coincidence? I think not. Speaking of Kendall and issues...Why does she always have to be so overdramatic and saying things that NO ONE would actually say? I need to know. Flashbacks of Zach with short hair are always welcome. Keep 'em comin! David stole Little A (sshole) yesterday, and today, Krystal used her trailer park wits to get him out of it. At least she was thinking sanely for a change. Petey and Colby- Maxie and Spinelli called, they want their storyline back. Rumor has it that Ryan and Kendall are going to break up. Sob. Amanda's hormones will cause her to reject Jake. Idiot. Zach and Kendall are going to take Ian home together. Bummer.

Yesterday on OLTL, Brody gave Stacy the business and sent her running scared. Today, Stacy was busy convincing Schyler that she has no feelings for Rex. Yesterday, Gigi cried to Rex through the whole episode. Today, she cried to Viki through the whole episode. Just when I was beginning to think that Gigi was even more annoying than Marty, there the bitch was, crying about John's marriage to Blair. Hey Marty, why don't you pull another incredible hulk? Only this time, just drop the car on top of yourself. Cole was feeling sorry for himself again today and in walked Marty to join the pity party. Of course, she turned it into a "let's make it all about Marty" session. Snore. Over at Blair's house, John was pretending to be the caring stepfather to Starr when he was really fishing for info on Schyler. Thanks for that. Speaking of Schyler, I find it hard to believe that he is the voice of reason in Llanview, but since no one else likes Stacy, I guess he will have to do. After Stacy left to go lurk somewhere, Starr popped by in her training bra to offer of up some prepubescent loving. Schyler rejected her and sent her crying to her mother. Random mentions: 1. Gigi's dress looked like something I wore to church when I was 10. That would explain why Gigi has not discovered the strapless bra. 2. Kyle the lab tech can fill my test tube anytime he wants! Word has it that he will succumb to the evil wishes of both Roxy and Stacy. Yay. Thanks to Ray, Dorian isn't feeling David anymore thanks to his new hemmorhoid commercial. Blair is going to tell Marty to back off of McPain. Schyler is going to be accused of seducing Starr. Yuck. Gigi is going to confess all to Jessica. Stacy is almost going to spill all to Rex. Rex is going to eavesdrop on Jessica and Gigi. Sounds like the cat is jumping out of the bag! Todd and Tea are going to do ease some sexual tension, causing her to stay in Llanview. Oh boy. Cole is going to confide in Todd. Wierd. Starr will be kidnapped and someone else will shanked in the back.

On Y&R today, the Billy and Chloe nups finally came to fruition. After Billy woke up next to a hungover Sharon, he rushed home to shower and get ready when he was attacked by his loving brother and sister. Did I say loving? I meant annoying. Ashley ripped Billy a new one and tried to convince him not to marry Chloe. Suddenly, she pulled one of Sharon's hairs off of his jacket. Awkward! Before the wedding, Esther was walking around with her giant bow kissing everyones
asses. Katherine received the DNA results confirming that she is Brock's mommy. At first she was filled with empathy for Jill, even offering to be her mommy regardless. But after Jill continued to spit venom around the room, and after calling Katherine and Nikki "dried up old lushes", Katherine screamed "Forgive me Chloe!" and handfed Jill some wedding cake all over her face. Jill then grabbed some cake and returned the favor. I was laughing my ass off when Katherine then picked up a whole layer of cake and threw at Jill. Priceless. Sharon shows up to be the maid of honor and I had to wonder what anyone was thinking when they put the giant fake flowers in her hair. My wondering stopped at soon as I saw Chloe's 1920 style flapper dress and matching headband. Okay then. I laughed some more when Sharon up and left in the middle of the ceremony. Cut to Jack sniffing the floor behind her apologizing for her everymove. Sharon had every reason to be upset though. Before the ceremony, Phyllis showed up at her room spewing insults at Sharon. Props to Phyllis for using one of my favorite terms: "accidentally on purpose". Props to Sharon for having that bitch thrown out by security. Conveniently, as she was being kicked to the curb by the rent a cop, Phyllis came face to face with Nick. When he discovered her dastardly deeds, he quickly went to Sharon's rescue. Bye Bye Bye. Back at the wedding, Chloe prepared a sweet poem for her vows that included the words "punch you in the face". As she was saying them, I thought Billy might throw up. He then spit out some shit that he didn't mean and kissed her like she was his grandmother. Realizing how that must of looked, he planted a better kiss right as Mackenzie walked in. Oh, I didn't see that coming. The best line of the whole wedding was when the minister asked Billy if had any special vows and Billy, in a panic, asked "Cant you just feed me the words?"

Cliffhanger Friday has cliffhanger killed me. Until next time, same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Rehearsal Dinner or Meal of Insults? 4-2-09

I didn't get to discuss AMC yesterday but I did manage to catch some of the eppy. I am happy that Tad and Opal are on J.R.'s side. He's an alcoholic, that does not make him a bad father. And damn if he didn't look good in that country and western button up he had on! Erica and Zach were alone somewhere having another heart to heart about Kendall. My girl J came up with an excellent idea...the people that be at AMC need to pair these together. If Kendall and Zach were considered hot, then Erica and Zach would be sweating! and so would I...As much as I want Kendall and Ryan together, she is pushing him too hard and too fast. Yesterday she demanded that he put a name on their relationship. What are we 16 again? I know I am the only one that thinks this, but the Frankie and Randi story makes me want to stab myself in the eye with the sharpened tip of a #2 pencil. I am glad that Jesse and Angie have Little A (sshole) though, at least they are breaking the rules a little for J.R. I know I would.

GH has been so boring, I find myself dreaming about rearranging my underwear drawer when it is on. But I did manage to learn a couple of things: Robin is going to see Patrick and Elizabeth together and come to the wrong conclusions. Are they wrong though? Johnny and the original blonde bitch are going to break up. For real this time. Then Johnny is going to break him off a piece of the Maximista, causing friction between her and the Jackal. Claudia is going to get knocked up and we will be subject to a "who's the daddy?" storyline. I think we know how this is going to turn out. Sonny is going to find out about Claudia's shenanigans. Will a baby be her only saving grace? Carly has been through a lot and yesterday she saw Micheal's hand move. Rumor has it that she will be knocked up too. I smell a baby switch coming on. Jason and Robin will be getting closer. Let's hope they don't get too close!

I have very little on our Llanview peeps today as our wonderful new Pres pre-empted OLTL until the ass end. When I was able to catch it, all I saw was Gigi crying crocodile tears, or I mean, no tears at all. And the Emmy goes to Farah Fath for her portrayal of the whiniest bitch in town... I am saddened by the news that A. Martinez was canned. He was firing up my screen for me. That is a soap trend that has got to end! Hiring and firing vets in a hot second. Yet, there are wastes of breath and space like Langston and what's his name walking around? I hear that we will still get to see Ray hit the sheets with Dorian. I guess all is not lost after all....

Today was the day of the ever anticipated Chloe and Billy wedding rehearsal dinner. For starters, I didn't see one scrap of food on the table, in hands, or in mouths. The drinks were flowing though. Flowing right into Jill's mouth. The only thing served up at this dinner were insults. Chloe ripped on Jill. Colleen ripped on Chloe. Billy ripped on Sharon. Jill ripped on everyone and everything. After a particularly harsh insult from Chloe to Jill, Ashley said this: "I like this girl a lot!" So do I Ashley, So do I. Chloe's dress and necklace were so cute and thank you hair department for doing her right for a change! Just as Sharon tells Billy that she will not be at the wedding, Chloe comes over and begs her to be her maid of honor. Sharon, the weak one that she is, agrees while Billy shoots daggers at her from afar. Later, everyone is sitting down for the foodless dinner when Sharon begins to beg others to be the maid of honor including Ashley and Colleen. Colleen, speaking up for everyone says this: "No one wants to go to this wedding, especially the groom" I was hoping that Chloe would throw a sharp kitchen knife directly into Colleen's heart, killing her instantly. But alas, Chloe, simply said: You will regret that". Sharon finally had enough and decided to go check on Noah who said he was going to check on Delia. Little did she know that Eden was the babysitter and that she and Noah were trying to squeeze in a little teen lovin. Knock Knock. It's Sharon and she is pissed. Noah apologized for being mean to Sharon earlier, but when she interrupted his makeout session, the mom-bashing continued. Sharon decided to go to the bar and start slamming vodka tonics. Meanwhile, over at the Chancellor mansion, Billy is so uncomfortable, he wants to jump out the window spiderman style and web sling his way to the nearest bar. And of course, he does and ends up at the same bar as Sharon. Billy downed 3 shots of whiskey before he glanced over and saw a lit up Sharon, who smiled at him in an "i wanna sex you up" type fashion. Cut to Sharon's room at the GCAC, a drunken shirtless Billy flies into the room with his tie tied around his head like bandana laughing his ass off. Right behind him is a very scantily clad Sharon who is also laughing her ass off. I was laughing my ass off when Sharon started dancing and yelled out "WOO!" while she drunkenly twirled around in her underwear. Drunk, sober, or insane, that woman looks good! And so does Billy...but I think we all know that. Cane might as well change his name to "the bartender" since everyone is getting in the habit of calling him that. Adam received some kind of letter from Victor and had Rafe read it to him. Victor actually had some nice things to say in this letter and now Adam has a renewed hope of a father-son relationship. Aw, tear...Later, Adam attempts to make friends with Abby who coldly shoots him down. I wish Adam could see Abby's face which basically read like this: "I wish I could douse you with gasoline and set you on fire right now."

B&B was good for the second day in a row. No Rick. No Steffy. No change the channel. Owen started at Jackie M. today just as Stephanie was saying her final goodbyes to her people at Forrester. Of course, Nick wants all the goods on the runnings of Forrester and it's employees. Somehow, this leads to a big discussion about Stephanie and her worth as a business icon. I can see where this is going. Stephanie is going to partner up with Jackie M. and start a fat ass war with the Forresters. This sounds like a pre-view for some old school type B&B! It is about time. Stephanies departing words as she exited Forrester really made me want to cry. If I were her, I would go to the nearest gun shop and buy a grenade. Then, I would push my way into Forrester, pull the pin, and shove that bastard right down Donna's throat. Eric thinks with his penis and always has. As usual, Stephanie will get the last word. I haven't heard a good insult thrown around on B&B lately, so imagine my surprise when Thorne looked at Donna and called her "skinny little waif butt" Donna looked surprised, as if Thorne doesn't crack on her every chance he gets. Hell, that's the only lines he has anymore!

The last time I checked out ATWT, Luke and Noah were arguing over Damien. That was last week. Due to Obama's rude OLTL interruption, I was forced to tune in today and my favorite gay couple were still sitting at the same table having the same argument. In walks the new twins I have heard so much about Tweedle Zee and Tweedle Zum. ATWT always blows the summer teen scene out of proportion and I can see that this year will be no different. I did get a Holden sighting today as his hot ass wasted his breath arguing with hot ass Damien over the worthless bitch nu-Lily. Nu-Lily sucks and so soes her hair. Most of the screen time went to Allison the porn star and nu-Casey. Forgive me if I don't care. Nu-Casey doesn't even look good shirtless, so he could at least pretend to know how to act. Over at Java, Noah stumbles upon Damien who just happens to being laying on the floor with a critical stab wound. Sounds like a set up to me. Damien probobly stabbed himself on purpose to get Luke's attention. It worked. Noah calls Noah and he immediately heads to the hospital to be with Damien. Here is what I found to be curious: When Noah called Luke, Luke announced to the family what was going on. Lily was the first one out the door...suspicious? I concur!

Until next time, same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Snappy One Liners and Crucial Comebacks 4-1-09

In Genoa City today, Billy was stressing out over his love-less soon to be marriage when suddenly he is dreaming of Mac. After talking for a bit, Mac goes into the bathroom. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door and the dream is over. It's Cane, and he is ready to bargain. Billy isn't having it and tells Cane to get the hell out of his house. Over at Crimson Lights, Chloe and Lily are trading barbs over Cane. Lily grew some today as she actually got in some good ones, but, alas! Chloe always gets the last word and I love it! Chloe hired Eden to be Delia's babysitter today. I don't care if she hired her to scrub the bottom of her feet with a pedegg, at least my little Eden is finally getting some screen time. The only requirement for the job: taste in alternative music. Wonder what Dr. Phil would say about that? Noah got some great ones in today as he cursed at his mother 3 times in the same conversation and Nick just stood back and let him do it. After Noah stomps out in grande teenage style, Nicholas rips into Sharon. Ok Nick, you are really workin my nerves. I feel sorry for Jack when it comes to Sharon, he is a sad sad man. Phyllis was writing a story about Katherine's life when it turned into a story about her own life and how much Sharon had ruined it for her. I found it especially amusing when she wrote BITCH in giant red letters on the paper. I dare you to publish that in Restless Style. In walks Nick who starts bragging about he gave Sharon the business. Of course, this pleased Phyllis to no end. After Nick storms out of the Abbott mansion, Jack walked Sharon to the door and convinced her to go to the rehearsal dinner. This wedding is going to be so sick and twisted. Murphy and Katherine were discussing going to Billy and Chloe's wedding when he sweetly asked her to teach him how to dance. I love these two, they make me smile. Elsewhere, Brock is nervous about seeing his maybe-mommy but as soon as he saw her, they had a wonderful reunion. Esther and Jill were arguing over wedding colors and taffeta when Jill said this "All because of your psycho spawn!" Ooooh, that stings. Back at Billy's, Cane left and Billy ran into the bathroom to see if Mac was still there. Wake up, idiot! No one here but the toilet! Just when I thought a day was going to go by without Amber and Kevin screaming at eachother from the interior of a car, there they were. Amber accidentally told Kevin that she saw Daniel and Micheal, which prompts him to tell her she has been a bad girl and to chug down a bottle of wild turkey. That's my kind of man. Really.

B&B was actually worth watching today because it lacked all Rick and Steffy sightings. Even greater still was Eric and Stephanie arguing over whether or not Rick and Steffy should be together in Eric's office when all of a sudden the door pops ajar slightly and a bottle of honey poked in. Of course, it was Donna-the-Slut, ever ready to please her ancient "honeybear". As usual, Donna didn't look in the office first, just started doing a strip tease right in the doorway. When she discovered that Stephanie was there, some words were exchanged and Eric asked Stephanie to leave so he could spend time with his slutty wife. This enraged Steph more, who put up one hell of a fight. In all the years I have been watching this show, I have never seen Eric grow a bigger pair of balls than he did today. He told Stephanie that he didn't want her or need her and then he fired her from Forrester! Always the smart ass, Steph busted out with this: "Don't come knocking on my door when all hell breaks loose." as she made her graceful exit. After she closed the door, you could see the pain and hurt her being fired had really caused. Oh, and Nick and Jackie argued over Madame X, or should we say Madame Ex Wife Bridget? Snore...

Llanview was hoppin with the goods today! Hank made his return debut today, cheesy music and all. Nora was happy as she had all her men under one roof. She has been one busy woman! Clint decided that bothering Nora about their relationship was a good idea. This is a total set up for a Nora and Hank affair which is okay with me. Someone should dust the cobwebs off of her anyway. Bo and Clint were enjoying a light lunch and talking about Matthew when Bo began to stutter. Chew and swallow, Bo. Chew and swallow! Talia actually earned her paycheck today as she called Layla out on what is obvious: She wants Christian. Later, her dumb ass locks herself in the suana with a towel-clad Christian and called him chicken legs. I wish they would come on with it already. Ray and Tea decided to go on a date for their own evil purposes. Ray asked Dorian 3 or 4 times if she was okay with him going on a date with Tea. She played it off as if she didn't care, but showed up at the club dressed to the nines. She then sat down at the table and made her presence known. Ray let her sweat a little and then Tea called him out. Ray called Tea out first, however when he noticed Todd lurking around the club. Todd was on a date with a hitman who he is trying to pay to kill John McPain. The hitman said this: "Why don't you do it yourself. I heard you were slicin and dicin all over town." Thanks for that. Todd was jealous of Tea, but I think we all know why. When Todd saw Ray and Tea together, he told Ray to "run". Todd got a phone call and it was little Jack. He just got done giving John the business and he still had some leftover for his dear old dad. He told Todd, and I quote: "You're full of crap!" That kid makes me an advocate for child abuse. Classic line today though was courtesy of that little bastard: "Promises suck!" he said to John. John looked at the ground and said: "Yeah, they do" Ouch! Blair, that one was for you! I got my first vision of the infamous Fisch today...Woop-D-Doo! I am not impressed although he seemed nice enough. Dorian and Ray are muchos caliente!

Stacy, I missed you today. Without a vision of your bitchy face, my OLTL experience is not the same...

When I was choosing which shows to watch this afternoon, it was a toss up between OLTL (which is hot and exciting) and ATWT (which is an old faithful). My decision was made for me when the first scene of ATWT came on and Liberty and Janet filled my screen. OKAY. I will read about ATWT later....

I am so done, stick a fork in me. Until next time...same bitch time...same bitch channel...