Monotone Mac & Crazy Creepies 4-9-09

Y&R started out with Cane talking to his lawyer, pushing the custody issue. Lily overheard and questioned his motives. He told her to go over to Billy and Chloe's and see how bad they were at parenting. Meanwhile, Billy was chewing off his own foot in an attempt to go see Mac and Chloe was on to him like white on rice. She decided to cook for dinner for their one year anniversary. When Billy questioned her, she said this "they said we wouldn't last". Priceless. Lily showed up and started harping, so Billy took it as the perfect opportunity to slide over to the Chancellor's for some Mac mingling. He was greeted by Brock, who was quite cold to our boy. Billy left his digits for Mac. Mac is moping around when she suddenly has a heart to heart with Murphy. Sorry kids, I am not buying it! I finally figured out what is wrong with Clementine Ford. She has no spark and no fire! Gasoline and a match couldn't get this girl to act the part of the character she was hired to play. My girl J says she is too old, I must agree! She even says her lines in the same monotone voice. I would like it if she just disappeared. Billy told Chloe that he was going to get some formula. Of course, when he returned, he had no formula. Chloe is already the annoying, clinging, ball and chain I thought she would be. Thanks to the wardrobe department for Billy's jacket which continues to get hotter the more he breaks it in. Karen and Devon got into it today. Karen was ready to scratch Neil's eyes out and I don't blame her. Cut to Indigo, where Neil and Cane were enjoying some whine time together. Assholes stick together.
Looks like I am going to have to bust out the tequila tomorrow because Phyllis is going to call Sharon a slut again. Takes one to know one, am I wrong?

On B&B, Donna was especially annoying as she decided to change Eric's petname from "honeybear" to "boo boo bear". A couple of tables over, Stephanie and Taylor were enjoying a nice lunch when Donna came over and tried to throw around some insults. Stephanie shot her down with Taylor as back up. The old Stephanie is back and I am loving it. I especially enjoyed Taylor's comment about Eric and Donna's PDA making everyone want to throw up. Jackie got some good business news today and used it as an excuse to cozy up to Owen. Whatever! I can dig it.

OLTL is really creepy right now. Zach is creepy for a short guy. I don't understand why people don't just team up and take his little ass out? Schyler gave Todd the business causing the duo to get down to the nitty gritty of whole damn situation. Over at Todd's, Starr confessed to Zach like he is some kind of priest or something. McPain is annoying. Marty is even more annoying. Dorian sent her kiss and tell photo to David. Oops! Lola is a slut, and everyone knows it. I cannot wait until she is gone!

That's all I got. Until tomorrow....same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Out With the Old, In With the Young 4-8-09

Yesterday I whined about the lack of Kevin and Micheal screentime on Y&R. Someone was listening because I was not dissapointed today! Kevin had Jeffery at gunpoint and Micheal came in and talked him down. However, he also took a sick pleasure in letting Kevin continue to believe that Jeffery was Tom. Christian LeBlanc was priceless when he punched Jeffery and urged Kevin to do the same. This whole scene was amusing to me until Kevin and Amber were in custody and standing up against the fence. Amber and Micheal were trying to talk to Kevin, who was in a sudden state of catatonia. I almost busted a tear. I have uno complaint.....If Y&R is going to use the same wearhouse set for every hostage/kidnapping/cage keeping storyline they have, can I at least get them to change the door? The economy is not that bad people. The most ridiculous part of the show today? Gloria "borrowing" the Newman jet to save Kevin and Jeffery. Um, ok. Mary Jane is becoming harder and harder to look at for longer than 2 seconds. I cannot believe that she was able to talk Katherine into hiring Jack as the CEO of Jabot. Hey, I shall not complain. The longer the war goes on between Jack and the Moustache, the better. Neil is not my favorite person right now. Karen is a whiny, annoying bitch. But he knew that when he married her. Since when does Neil get the player of the year award? After today's eppy, some previews came on showing Billy and Chloe arguing over Mac. And so it begins....

On B&B, it seems that with Stephanie being fired from Forrester, she may have just fired those pant suits she has been wearing since 1986. Here's hopin! Heather Tom is finally starting to turn Katie into someone I can stand. She even changed her make-up. Maybe she got tired of playing the most boring character on daytime. (and that includes people who are in a coma) I am not sure why Jackie hates her so much. Oh yeah. It is in the script. Eric realized just how bad things were going to get for Forrester when Donna told the reporter: Out with the old, in with the young. Even Brooke looked at the ground in shame. She was probobly looking for someone to sleep with down there. I love Stephanie and Nick as partners in crime, and Taylor as the 3rd wheel makes it all worth it. I would watch ants fight over a crumb with more enthusiasm than I ever can watch Rick and Steffy.

OLTL was packed with scandal as usual. Rex and Gigi are getting on my nerves. No, let me say: Gigi just gets on my damn nerves. Stacy's fantasy was hilarious. Her attempts to get out of bone marrow related medical procedures was pretty amusing as well. Dorian and Ray are stubborn and cute and I like them together. Rex went off on Brody, who decided to go the gym and pump some iron. I wasn't buying it, but, I sure do like his guns. Over at Matthew's pity party, Nora was so excited about all the different kinds of weiners there were on the buffet table. At this same party, Jessica tells Natalie and Jared about Brody. They respond by saying they will be the baby's godparents. Random. The Dorian and Ray kiss lasted well into today's eppy, and little Jack thought it would be great to get a picture of them doing so. Sorry J, but I can't take that little bastard. I dig the little chick punching the big giant bodyguard in the stomach and saying : "I am doing this for Matthew." Ray tried to scare Jack into giving up the picture by telling stories about columbian prison. That little bastard gave up the camera really quick! Marty went to Blair's room with flowers in hand. My faith in Blair was renewed when she told Marty to stay the hell away from McPain. Starr is still crying over the teacher. Someone please give that girl a pacifier.

That's all I got. Until tomorrow...same bitch time....same bitch channel...

Bonding Over Bitches 4-7-09

In Genoa City today, Jack and Nicholas just happened to sit next to eachother at the bar at the club to get a drink. They both looked like someone died. Jack tried to bring back some of the old relationship, but Nick refused to openly take his advice. He pretended to be annoyed and got up left, but you could tell that Jack had gotten to him. Cut to the tack house where Sharon decided it is a good idea to go to look for Nick. Phyllis quickly informed her that Nick left her and that it was all Sharon's fault. Sharon made herself comfortable on the couch and continued to argue with the red headed she-devil. The old Phyllis is about to re-emerge and it is not going to be pretty. Noah came home from a backseat rendevouz with Eden and continued his rampage against Sharon. After a few, he decided to be nice and they had a little heart to heart about Sharon and Nick while Phyllis lurked in the shadows somewhere, as usual. When Nick entered the fray, Phyllis was still lurking and Nick and Sharon were hanging out on the couch chattin it up like nothing was amiss. Phyllis walked in and said something about people saying things that they don't mean, to which both Nick and Sharon looked up at her, and continued their conversation as if she had never spoken at all. I almost busted out the tequila because Phyllis called Sharon a tramp today. But I said drink only on slut or theif, neither of which she said today. Sharon got a good one in when Phyllis told her that Nick couldn't fix her. Sharon replied "Obviously he couldn't fix you either!" Thanks for that. And, thanks for the Chloe and Billy flashbacks. Chloe was so sweet today. To bad shit is going south and fast. Try as I might, I am having a hard time hating the new Mac. She turned Billy the playboy into a sniveling little whiney ass. I was digging the new side of him though. I am glad that Billy Miller can play it like the past Billies did it. I had to laugh at Chloe googling Mac and Billy. Um, where the hell is Kevin, Amber, Micheal, Lauren, Tyra, or Neil? Hello! Alas, they should be on tomorrow according to the previews. Billy is going to kiss Mac soon. That should be interesting. Mac is going to try to talk some sense into Kevin. Um, may I ask why? Noah and Eden are going to get busted again. These two need to come up with some better strategies. Phyllis is going to go psycho on Sharon, resulting in Sharon's eventual arrest. Too bad she still won't get Nicholas back. J.T. is going to dig up dirt on Colleen. Here's a thought....Shouldn't J.T. have plenty of dirt on Colleen already? They lived together! Tyra is going to fight for custody of Anna. Shouldn't she have done that in the first place?

On GH, I was forced to watch Sonny and Claudia have sex again. Sonny was so bummed out about it, but he pushed himself to finish the job. When he was done, he whined about not wanting more kids. I had to agree with Claudia. That is un-Sonny like. Note to GH: Please stop trying to shove Maxie and Dr. Old Shawn down our throats. It is done. Robin is going to crash her car with Emma inside and then get shipped off to the loony bin. This will leave Patrick open for more time with Elizabeth. That is actually a good thing considering nu-old Emily doesn't have cancer and her relationship with Lucky is going places. Helena will finally make an appearance. Claudia is going to get away with everything due to some DVD glitches. Damn that bitch has all the luck. Robin and Patrick are going to get in a huge fight at the hospital, which is finally finished by the way! This fight will prompt Robin to stop taking her meds. Yay for crazy Robin!

B&B was basically uneventful today. Owen was extra sexy as he pretended to have lock jaw so Bridget would get close to his mouth. Bridget, for a doctor you sure are stupid. Nick called Jackie out on her mid-life crisis, but in true Jackie style, she denied it all. Stephanie was pissed when she discovered that Nick was the one that suggested that Taylor join forces with Stephanie. I cannot wait to see how the drama unfolds when she takes the reigns at Jackie M. Rumor has it that Rick wants to marry Steffy at the same spot in Malibu where Brooke and Ridge were once married. This horrifies for Ridge and elates Brooke. That's because she is a skank.

ATWT sucks as of late. Jack thinks that Carly is drinking to much and she is in denial. Parker finally realized that he is in over his head and asked Jack for help. Thank God. I am over it. Jack is going to take Craig and Carly into questioning although I cant say why at this point. Rosanna is scheduled to come back. Snore. I am so happy that Meg dumped Dusty again. I hear that is not going to stop him from trying again to get her in the sack. The people that be decided to dust Barbara off and give her a storyline for the first time in 10 years. Thanks for that.

Ryan called Reese a bitch today on AMC. Adian and Annie are annoying. I can't wait until they go away. Krystal miscarried today and David was devasted. He should be. He did it. Adam, Stuart, and Erica are confusing right now. So, more on that at a later date. Can someone tell me why Kendall is still wearing that purple shirt and why Thorsten Kaye is trying so hard to bust a tear? Someone should poke him in the eye. It would water then for sure. Amanda almost kissed Jake and I realized just how hot those two could be. Yummy.

That's all I got. Until tomorrow...same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Rockin Roxy! 4-6-09

Ok, so normally I talk about Y&R first on Mondays because every other show is a snore fest. However, OLTL was so hot today, it deserves to be talked about. Quite frankly, I wasn't even paying attention because I was on the phone with my girl J when I looked at my screen just in time to see Roxy bitch slap Stacy. I just about dropped the phone I became so excited! The show only got better as those two crazies teamed up against Kyle, who is suddenly ready to risk his career and his future to help them. I could care less what he does, as long as he gets some more screen time. Maybe some Kyle and Stacy lab lovin? That would be nice. The new midget, um I mean man, on the show Zach is creepy. I enjoyed his scenes with Todd today as he went on and on about how Todd was going to pay him for this and Todd owes him for that. This went on for about 45 minutes when Todd casually said something about Zach not getting anything from him and he mentioned that they had both done their time for raping Marty. This un-Todd like behavior was surprising to me until Todd suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs "I OWE YOU NOTHING!!!" Now that's what I was looking for. There was more screaming going on over at Schylers apartment as he coldly dismissed Starr by screaming in her face that he didn't want her. Later though, he sits down and seems to have second thoughts. Ok, I thought I was going to like him. I was cracking up at Starr hiding in the bathroom and Cole running around looking for her like he was somebody's daddy. I am just saying. Jared deserves an honorable mention for extra hotness. I love a man in a gray vest. Marty needs to die or, at the least, go hide behind a rock somewhere. Cole broke my heart talking to the baby. Speaking of, that is one popular grave site.

On Y&R I thought it was amusing that no one heard the shrieking women of the cake fight until after the vows, kiss, and Mac entrance. How convenient. I didn't think it was possible, but I find this Mac to be uglier than the original one. I know she is supposed to be kind of plain and all, but I am already over her. Sharon and Nick continued their heart to heart and decided to be friends. It was a sweet moment. A sweet moment that was ruined when Nick left Sharon's room only to find Pyllis clad in a giant hat and sunglasses standing outside of her room. After she attacked him violently (again), Nick decided he has had enough. I say we play a game. Every time Phyllis calls Sharon a slut or a thief, we should take a shot of tequila. Being drunk is the only way I can tolerate watching Nick dog Phyllis for freaking out about Sharon. As much as I want to see Nick and Sharon back together, my heart is torn for Phyllis. Karma is biting her in the ass, hard. Back at the wedding, Katherine and Jill are still freaking arguing when Katherine said this: "This thing is not my daughter!" Jill said something bitchy in return, yada yada yada. Over yonder, Murphy was telling Nikki how he thought the fight that Katherine and Jill had yesterday was bad. Oh Murphy, the cake fight was just a smidget of what is in store for you and your soon to be bride! Afterward, Cane arrives and hugs Katherine as if he hasn't been a complete and utter asshole to her for months. I was hoping she would reach up there and smash a piece of that cake into his face. In the other room, Chloe was being extra nice to Mac because she is completely clueless about Mac and Billy's past dealings. Colleen didn't help matters when she coyly acted as if nothing was amiss while basically laughing in Chloe's face. Esther did fill her in however. I say let the stalker party begin! Chloe will go on a stalking spree like no other. That is my prediction. I am starting to hate Cane more and more. Chloe and Billy decided to go have their little wedding night and Cane said this: "Have a good wedding night, guys." Could someone just stab him and get it over with?

That is seriously all I got. Until next time...same bitch time.....same bitch channel!

Split Personalities all Around! 4-3-09

Here's one for you...one for you...I have to start with AMC today because craziness abounds. A while back, my girl J and I were discussing Annie's stay at the funny farm and her many visitors when J said that she thought Annie's wierd friend was a figment of her personality. So true J! After whining to her "friend" for the whole episode about killing someone (we know, she didn't do it) Annie was so excited when Aidan came in because she wanted to introduce him to her friend. She pointed to the chair and Aidan turned his head. Cut to the chair, it was empty! Just when I thought AMC was incapable of being creepy...Ryan's desperation to fill his Greenlea void is starting to make me ill. Erica went over there to talk some sense into him, but he failed to listen and said he would fight for Kendall. Thank you Erica for being the only person in the world that sees that everything is wrong with them being together right now! Meanwhile, at the hospital, Zach and Kendall were bonding over Ian when they decided to walk around for some damn reason. I had 2 issues with this scene: 1. They were holding hands. 2. They were both wearing purple. Coincidence? I think not. Speaking of Kendall and issues...Why does she always have to be so overdramatic and saying things that NO ONE would actually say? I need to know. Flashbacks of Zach with short hair are always welcome. Keep 'em comin! David stole Little A (sshole) yesterday, and today, Krystal used her trailer park wits to get him out of it. At least she was thinking sanely for a change. Petey and Colby- Maxie and Spinelli called, they want their storyline back. Rumor has it that Ryan and Kendall are going to break up. Sob. Amanda's hormones will cause her to reject Jake. Idiot. Zach and Kendall are going to take Ian home together. Bummer.

Yesterday on OLTL, Brody gave Stacy the business and sent her running scared. Today, Stacy was busy convincing Schyler that she has no feelings for Rex. Yesterday, Gigi cried to Rex through the whole episode. Today, she cried to Viki through the whole episode. Just when I was beginning to think that Gigi was even more annoying than Marty, there the bitch was, crying about John's marriage to Blair. Hey Marty, why don't you pull another incredible hulk? Only this time, just drop the car on top of yourself. Cole was feeling sorry for himself again today and in walked Marty to join the pity party. Of course, she turned it into a "let's make it all about Marty" session. Snore. Over at Blair's house, John was pretending to be the caring stepfather to Starr when he was really fishing for info on Schyler. Thanks for that. Speaking of Schyler, I find it hard to believe that he is the voice of reason in Llanview, but since no one else likes Stacy, I guess he will have to do. After Stacy left to go lurk somewhere, Starr popped by in her training bra to offer of up some prepubescent loving. Schyler rejected her and sent her crying to her mother. Random mentions: 1. Gigi's dress looked like something I wore to church when I was 10. That would explain why Gigi has not discovered the strapless bra. 2. Kyle the lab tech can fill my test tube anytime he wants! Word has it that he will succumb to the evil wishes of both Roxy and Stacy. Yay. Thanks to Ray, Dorian isn't feeling David anymore thanks to his new hemmorhoid commercial. Blair is going to tell Marty to back off of McPain. Schyler is going to be accused of seducing Starr. Yuck. Gigi is going to confess all to Jessica. Stacy is almost going to spill all to Rex. Rex is going to eavesdrop on Jessica and Gigi. Sounds like the cat is jumping out of the bag! Todd and Tea are going to do ease some sexual tension, causing her to stay in Llanview. Oh boy. Cole is going to confide in Todd. Wierd. Starr will be kidnapped and someone else will shanked in the back.

On Y&R today, the Billy and Chloe nups finally came to fruition. After Billy woke up next to a hungover Sharon, he rushed home to shower and get ready when he was attacked by his loving brother and sister. Did I say loving? I meant annoying. Ashley ripped Billy a new one and tried to convince him not to marry Chloe. Suddenly, she pulled one of Sharon's hairs off of his jacket. Awkward! Before the wedding, Esther was walking around with her giant bow kissing everyones
asses. Katherine received the DNA results confirming that she is Brock's mommy. At first she was filled with empathy for Jill, even offering to be her mommy regardless. But after Jill continued to spit venom around the room, and after calling Katherine and Nikki "dried up old lushes", Katherine screamed "Forgive me Chloe!" and handfed Jill some wedding cake all over her face. Jill then grabbed some cake and returned the favor. I was laughing my ass off when Katherine then picked up a whole layer of cake and threw at Jill. Priceless. Sharon shows up to be the maid of honor and I had to wonder what anyone was thinking when they put the giant fake flowers in her hair. My wondering stopped at soon as I saw Chloe's 1920 style flapper dress and matching headband. Okay then. I laughed some more when Sharon up and left in the middle of the ceremony. Cut to Jack sniffing the floor behind her apologizing for her everymove. Sharon had every reason to be upset though. Before the ceremony, Phyllis showed up at her room spewing insults at Sharon. Props to Phyllis for using one of my favorite terms: "accidentally on purpose". Props to Sharon for having that bitch thrown out by security. Conveniently, as she was being kicked to the curb by the rent a cop, Phyllis came face to face with Nick. When he discovered her dastardly deeds, he quickly went to Sharon's rescue. Bye Bye Bye. Back at the wedding, Chloe prepared a sweet poem for her vows that included the words "punch you in the face". As she was saying them, I thought Billy might throw up. He then spit out some shit that he didn't mean and kissed her like she was his grandmother. Realizing how that must of looked, he planted a better kiss right as Mackenzie walked in. Oh, I didn't see that coming. The best line of the whole wedding was when the minister asked Billy if had any special vows and Billy, in a panic, asked "Cant you just feed me the words?"

Cliffhanger Friday has cliffhanger killed me. Until next time, same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Rehearsal Dinner or Meal of Insults? 4-2-09

I didn't get to discuss AMC yesterday but I did manage to catch some of the eppy. I am happy that Tad and Opal are on J.R.'s side. He's an alcoholic, that does not make him a bad father. And damn if he didn't look good in that country and western button up he had on! Erica and Zach were alone somewhere having another heart to heart about Kendall. My girl J came up with an excellent idea...the people that be at AMC need to pair these together. If Kendall and Zach were considered hot, then Erica and Zach would be sweating! and so would I...As much as I want Kendall and Ryan together, she is pushing him too hard and too fast. Yesterday she demanded that he put a name on their relationship. What are we 16 again? I know I am the only one that thinks this, but the Frankie and Randi story makes me want to stab myself in the eye with the sharpened tip of a #2 pencil. I am glad that Jesse and Angie have Little A (sshole) though, at least they are breaking the rules a little for J.R. I know I would.

GH has been so boring, I find myself dreaming about rearranging my underwear drawer when it is on. But I did manage to learn a couple of things: Robin is going to see Patrick and Elizabeth together and come to the wrong conclusions. Are they wrong though? Johnny and the original blonde bitch are going to break up. For real this time. Then Johnny is going to break him off a piece of the Maximista, causing friction between her and the Jackal. Claudia is going to get knocked up and we will be subject to a "who's the daddy?" storyline. I think we know how this is going to turn out. Sonny is going to find out about Claudia's shenanigans. Will a baby be her only saving grace? Carly has been through a lot and yesterday she saw Micheal's hand move. Rumor has it that she will be knocked up too. I smell a baby switch coming on. Jason and Robin will be getting closer. Let's hope they don't get too close!

I have very little on our Llanview peeps today as our wonderful new Pres pre-empted OLTL until the ass end. When I was able to catch it, all I saw was Gigi crying crocodile tears, or I mean, no tears at all. And the Emmy goes to Farah Fath for her portrayal of the whiniest bitch in town... I am saddened by the news that A. Martinez was canned. He was firing up my screen for me. That is a soap trend that has got to end! Hiring and firing vets in a hot second. Yet, there are wastes of breath and space like Langston and what's his name walking around? I hear that we will still get to see Ray hit the sheets with Dorian. I guess all is not lost after all....

Today was the day of the ever anticipated Chloe and Billy wedding rehearsal dinner. For starters, I didn't see one scrap of food on the table, in hands, or in mouths. The drinks were flowing though. Flowing right into Jill's mouth. The only thing served up at this dinner were insults. Chloe ripped on Jill. Colleen ripped on Chloe. Billy ripped on Sharon. Jill ripped on everyone and everything. After a particularly harsh insult from Chloe to Jill, Ashley said this: "I like this girl a lot!" So do I Ashley, So do I. Chloe's dress and necklace were so cute and thank you hair department for doing her right for a change! Just as Sharon tells Billy that she will not be at the wedding, Chloe comes over and begs her to be her maid of honor. Sharon, the weak one that she is, agrees while Billy shoots daggers at her from afar. Later, everyone is sitting down for the foodless dinner when Sharon begins to beg others to be the maid of honor including Ashley and Colleen. Colleen, speaking up for everyone says this: "No one wants to go to this wedding, especially the groom" I was hoping that Chloe would throw a sharp kitchen knife directly into Colleen's heart, killing her instantly. But alas, Chloe, simply said: You will regret that". Sharon finally had enough and decided to go check on Noah who said he was going to check on Delia. Little did she know that Eden was the babysitter and that she and Noah were trying to squeeze in a little teen lovin. Knock Knock. It's Sharon and she is pissed. Noah apologized for being mean to Sharon earlier, but when she interrupted his makeout session, the mom-bashing continued. Sharon decided to go to the bar and start slamming vodka tonics. Meanwhile, over at the Chancellor mansion, Billy is so uncomfortable, he wants to jump out the window spiderman style and web sling his way to the nearest bar. And of course, he does and ends up at the same bar as Sharon. Billy downed 3 shots of whiskey before he glanced over and saw a lit up Sharon, who smiled at him in an "i wanna sex you up" type fashion. Cut to Sharon's room at the GCAC, a drunken shirtless Billy flies into the room with his tie tied around his head like bandana laughing his ass off. Right behind him is a very scantily clad Sharon who is also laughing her ass off. I was laughing my ass off when Sharon started dancing and yelled out "WOO!" while she drunkenly twirled around in her underwear. Drunk, sober, or insane, that woman looks good! And so does Billy...but I think we all know that. Cane might as well change his name to "the bartender" since everyone is getting in the habit of calling him that. Adam received some kind of letter from Victor and had Rafe read it to him. Victor actually had some nice things to say in this letter and now Adam has a renewed hope of a father-son relationship. Aw, tear...Later, Adam attempts to make friends with Abby who coldly shoots him down. I wish Adam could see Abby's face which basically read like this: "I wish I could douse you with gasoline and set you on fire right now."

B&B was good for the second day in a row. No Rick. No Steffy. No change the channel. Owen started at Jackie M. today just as Stephanie was saying her final goodbyes to her people at Forrester. Of course, Nick wants all the goods on the runnings of Forrester and it's employees. Somehow, this leads to a big discussion about Stephanie and her worth as a business icon. I can see where this is going. Stephanie is going to partner up with Jackie M. and start a fat ass war with the Forresters. This sounds like a pre-view for some old school type B&B! It is about time. Stephanies departing words as she exited Forrester really made me want to cry. If I were her, I would go to the nearest gun shop and buy a grenade. Then, I would push my way into Forrester, pull the pin, and shove that bastard right down Donna's throat. Eric thinks with his penis and always has. As usual, Stephanie will get the last word. I haven't heard a good insult thrown around on B&B lately, so imagine my surprise when Thorne looked at Donna and called her "skinny little waif butt" Donna looked surprised, as if Thorne doesn't crack on her every chance he gets. Hell, that's the only lines he has anymore!

The last time I checked out ATWT, Luke and Noah were arguing over Damien. That was last week. Due to Obama's rude OLTL interruption, I was forced to tune in today and my favorite gay couple were still sitting at the same table having the same argument. In walks the new twins I have heard so much about Tweedle Zee and Tweedle Zum. ATWT always blows the summer teen scene out of proportion and I can see that this year will be no different. I did get a Holden sighting today as his hot ass wasted his breath arguing with hot ass Damien over the worthless bitch nu-Lily. Nu-Lily sucks and so soes her hair. Most of the screen time went to Allison the porn star and nu-Casey. Forgive me if I don't care. Nu-Casey doesn't even look good shirtless, so he could at least pretend to know how to act. Over at Java, Noah stumbles upon Damien who just happens to being laying on the floor with a critical stab wound. Sounds like a set up to me. Damien probobly stabbed himself on purpose to get Luke's attention. It worked. Noah calls Noah and he immediately heads to the hospital to be with Damien. Here is what I found to be curious: When Noah called Luke, Luke announced to the family what was going on. Lily was the first one out the door...suspicious? I concur!

Until next time, same bitch time...same bitch channel...

Snappy One Liners and Crucial Comebacks 4-1-09

In Genoa City today, Billy was stressing out over his love-less soon to be marriage when suddenly he is dreaming of Mac. After talking for a bit, Mac goes into the bathroom. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door and the dream is over. It's Cane, and he is ready to bargain. Billy isn't having it and tells Cane to get the hell out of his house. Over at Crimson Lights, Chloe and Lily are trading barbs over Cane. Lily grew some today as she actually got in some good ones, but, alas! Chloe always gets the last word and I love it! Chloe hired Eden to be Delia's babysitter today. I don't care if she hired her to scrub the bottom of her feet with a pedegg, at least my little Eden is finally getting some screen time. The only requirement for the job: taste in alternative music. Wonder what Dr. Phil would say about that? Noah got some great ones in today as he cursed at his mother 3 times in the same conversation and Nick just stood back and let him do it. After Noah stomps out in grande teenage style, Nicholas rips into Sharon. Ok Nick, you are really workin my nerves. I feel sorry for Jack when it comes to Sharon, he is a sad sad man. Phyllis was writing a story about Katherine's life when it turned into a story about her own life and how much Sharon had ruined it for her. I found it especially amusing when she wrote BITCH in giant red letters on the paper. I dare you to publish that in Restless Style. In walks Nick who starts bragging about he gave Sharon the business. Of course, this pleased Phyllis to no end. After Nick storms out of the Abbott mansion, Jack walked Sharon to the door and convinced her to go to the rehearsal dinner. This wedding is going to be so sick and twisted. Murphy and Katherine were discussing going to Billy and Chloe's wedding when he sweetly asked her to teach him how to dance. I love these two, they make me smile. Elsewhere, Brock is nervous about seeing his maybe-mommy but as soon as he saw her, they had a wonderful reunion. Esther and Jill were arguing over wedding colors and taffeta when Jill said this "All because of your psycho spawn!" Ooooh, that stings. Back at Billy's, Cane left and Billy ran into the bathroom to see if Mac was still there. Wake up, idiot! No one here but the toilet! Just when I thought a day was going to go by without Amber and Kevin screaming at eachother from the interior of a car, there they were. Amber accidentally told Kevin that she saw Daniel and Micheal, which prompts him to tell her she has been a bad girl and to chug down a bottle of wild turkey. That's my kind of man. Really.

B&B was actually worth watching today because it lacked all Rick and Steffy sightings. Even greater still was Eric and Stephanie arguing over whether or not Rick and Steffy should be together in Eric's office when all of a sudden the door pops ajar slightly and a bottle of honey poked in. Of course, it was Donna-the-Slut, ever ready to please her ancient "honeybear". As usual, Donna didn't look in the office first, just started doing a strip tease right in the doorway. When she discovered that Stephanie was there, some words were exchanged and Eric asked Stephanie to leave so he could spend time with his slutty wife. This enraged Steph more, who put up one hell of a fight. In all the years I have been watching this show, I have never seen Eric grow a bigger pair of balls than he did today. He told Stephanie that he didn't want her or need her and then he fired her from Forrester! Always the smart ass, Steph busted out with this: "Don't come knocking on my door when all hell breaks loose." as she made her graceful exit. After she closed the door, you could see the pain and hurt her being fired had really caused. Oh, and Nick and Jackie argued over Madame X, or should we say Madame Ex Wife Bridget? Snore...

Llanview was hoppin with the goods today! Hank made his return debut today, cheesy music and all. Nora was happy as she had all her men under one roof. She has been one busy woman! Clint decided that bothering Nora about their relationship was a good idea. This is a total set up for a Nora and Hank affair which is okay with me. Someone should dust the cobwebs off of her anyway. Bo and Clint were enjoying a light lunch and talking about Matthew when Bo began to stutter. Chew and swallow, Bo. Chew and swallow! Talia actually earned her paycheck today as she called Layla out on what is obvious: She wants Christian. Later, her dumb ass locks herself in the suana with a towel-clad Christian and called him chicken legs. I wish they would come on with it already. Ray and Tea decided to go on a date for their own evil purposes. Ray asked Dorian 3 or 4 times if she was okay with him going on a date with Tea. She played it off as if she didn't care, but showed up at the club dressed to the nines. She then sat down at the table and made her presence known. Ray let her sweat a little and then Tea called him out. Ray called Tea out first, however when he noticed Todd lurking around the club. Todd was on a date with a hitman who he is trying to pay to kill John McPain. The hitman said this: "Why don't you do it yourself. I heard you were slicin and dicin all over town." Thanks for that. Todd was jealous of Tea, but I think we all know why. When Todd saw Ray and Tea together, he told Ray to "run". Todd got a phone call and it was little Jack. He just got done giving John the business and he still had some leftover for his dear old dad. He told Todd, and I quote: "You're full of crap!" That kid makes me an advocate for child abuse. Classic line today though was courtesy of that little bastard: "Promises suck!" he said to John. John looked at the ground and said: "Yeah, they do" Ouch! Blair, that one was for you! I got my first vision of the infamous Fisch today...Woop-D-Doo! I am not impressed although he seemed nice enough. Dorian and Ray are muchos caliente!

Stacy, I missed you today. Without a vision of your bitchy face, my OLTL experience is not the same...

When I was choosing which shows to watch this afternoon, it was a toss up between OLTL (which is hot and exciting) and ATWT (which is an old faithful). My decision was made for me when the first scene of ATWT came on and Liberty and Janet filled my screen. OKAY. I will read about ATWT later....

I am so done, stick a fork in me. Until next time...same bitch time...same bitch channel...